I want to learn to meditate. Maybe it’s because I’m a schmuck. I believe that crap those New Age-y types say about the answers being “within.” Okay not totally… not exactly. But I think if I could just shut my intellect up for a minute, maybe my spiritual self, or my instinct will take over.
The thing is I want to do it in the God Way. Not the religious establishment way of meditating on and memorizing Bible verses. And not the higher power non-entity little “g” god way. I guess I just want to sit someplace quiet and be with God. To be… I dunno… grateful, honest, repentant, forgiving, faithful, hopeful … doubtful.
Doubt is important to me right now. Doubt is honest. Doubt is mingled up in my anger, frustration and disappointment. Doubt is clarity in a way that faith isn’t. When people tell me I should “have faith that everything is going to workout… that God is in control,” I think that what they are really saying is “Ignore the obvious. Accept what is and wait for the wind to blow just right so that your ship comes sailing in.”
But Doubt makes me resist that thought. I mean, of all those great guys in the Bible, who among them ever sat on their hands and literally “Waited on the Lord?” Most of them didn’t. This waiting crap is for the birds. I mean if you really have faith shouldn’t you be taking serious action to receive all those blessings God promises?
“But what if there were no Biblical promises or admonitions?” Doubt asks me with mock innocence. “What if there were no great spiritual leaders? Or wise new age gurus? What then?” Then I would be back to being a schmuck. Back to looking within. Listening to the silence and waiting for God to say something, or to become a feeling or a thought or an inspiration way down in my gut. I want God to be that overwhelming rush of passion that binds me to my dreams even when the day is hot and my head is pounding and all I want to do is sleep… or cry.
So I’m having trouble picking up the Bible and just reading it. I’m having trouble with the Tao Te Ching and the Bhagavad Gita. I’m having trouble because my intellect wants to reconcile them with faith while my soul just wants to let their music play while I sing my own divinely inspired song. And you know how difficult it is to sing a song when some jackass is sitting next you, blabbering away and won’t shut up.
So Doubt has to become a gag of sorts. But I’ve been shunning it. Denying it. Hiding my eyes. I don’t want to admit that I have doubts about my faith. But I do. Not about God Himself, but about what exactly it is God really wants from me. And I am so sick and fucking tired of people telling me what God wants, who He’s judging, and who He’s going to send to hell. I’m tired of bigotry masquerading as righteousness. I’m tired of telling myself I’m waiting on the Lord when I know perfectly well that all I’m doing is procrastinating through prayer.
You’ve got to hand it to Doubt. It’s not easily duped. It’s wise and knows how to cut through the crap. So my meditation needs to give Doubt the floor and let it speak it’s piece…or is it peace? The only question is will God have anything to say about it. Will He strike Doubt down with a lightening bolt – and me with it – or will He embrace it and calm it’s fears? Hard to know really. And I don’t want to pin my hopes on an answer because I’m not there yet. Besides even if I do, I know what will happen… Doubt will say something like, “Aren’t you just predicting the answers you hope to hear?” The only way to reach a real answer is to take a real journey into the silence… one that only a real schmuck would take.