Friday, December 30, 2005

False Prophets (ranting to you folks because if I go off on someone I'll make her cry and then I'd feel like shit)

One of the things that annoys me about some of my fellow Christians is their inconceivable inability to distinguish a False Prophet from a false idol.

The Bible warns us against both. But so many Christians don’t see the delineation that it scares me. So let’s clarify shall we? A false idol (or you could just say "idol" since presumably they're all false) would be someone or something that leads a Christian AWAY from their faith. Examples might include: Satanic worship, greed, pornography, hedonism; or if you are the type to see other religions as "the path to hell" this might also include anything non-Christian like say Buddhism, Judaism or Islam.

I’m not saying that I agree with that all those things are idolotrous nor will I debate what really goes in the Idol category but from a fundamentalist Christian standpoint I could see how these things could lead a Christian directly away from their professed faith. They either displace the values of Christ or refute the faith entirely (as in other religions). For this reason I don’t think false idols are really much of a threat to Christians. I mean they are obvious. They are so easy to spot it’s pathetic. They are the big red flashing “DANGER” signs for religious Christian fervor. We respond to them with a universal, "DUH!"

False Prophets on the other hand are far more insidious. They masquerade as Christians. They quote Bible verses. They start holy wars. They claim to be doing God’s work even though their actions seem to profit them more than they do the church. They turn a blind eye to injustice. And they do it all right under the noses of, and often with the overt approval of people who genuinely want to please Christ. The False Prophet doesn’t want you to renounce your faith, he wants to pervert it! He will make you a tool of the Enemy. Under his care your chilled Christian heart will learn to judge others mercilessly. You’ll mindlessly drive lost souls away from Christ or else pervert them as well.

The everyday Christian hears the False Prophet shout, “Honk if you love Jesus!!” and he/she HONKS like a crack addicted goose. The False Prophet sends an email claiming that CBS canceled Touched By An Angel because it was glorifying God and some atheist (who has oddly enough been dead for 10+ years) had protested it. In his/her righteous indignation the everyday Christian madly spams everyone in their address book with this lie without bothering to spend like 10 seconds to type in “” to see if it’s true or not; completely forgetting that the show hasn’t been on in like three years and the 9th commandment clearly states “thou shalt not bear false witness”.

The False Prophet claims that Jesus is his co-pilot as he orders the deaths of innocent people who stand in the way of his profiteering while ignoring the slaughter of other innocents who have nothing to offer him. The False Prophet places a magnifying glass over the lives of gays in love in order to distract the everyday Christian from the fact that he is robbing the poor and the elderly and decimating God's good earth.

The Bible doesn’t warn us about the dangers of false idols in the Last Days. It warns us about the dangers of False Prophets. False idols may be an opportunity for proselytizing and missionary work but they are no big threat to our salvation. Do not fear those who can destroy the body, fear those who can destroy the soul. Those who would use our faith against us are counting on us to be lazy. Certainly we are to be as innocent at doves, but we have to be as cunning as serpents. We are to take nothing for granted. Sometimes I think we as Christians are just so damn happy to hear somebody, anybody say “Thank You Jesus!” that we just “pishaw!” the bad behavior that is muddying up our shoes by association. It’s gotten so bad that the everyday Christian is actually apologizing for and rationalizing the sins of False Prophets. It’s a doomed path, if everyday Christians keep down that road, they’ll burn with them too.

Lucifer was an ANGEL of LIGHT. Let’s remember that. If he showed up at your door sporting horns, a pointy tail and a pitchfork you’d say, “Get thee off my porch Satan!” Right? That’s so hopeless he’s not gonna try that. The Devil is S-M-A-R-T and not only that he’s a snappy dresser. When he knocks on a Christian door he’s gonna be wearing his Sunday Best, carrying his Bible, there’ll be a cross around his neck. And after he offers to paint the blood of the lamb on your door he’s gonna ask you to sign a petition to fire that Lesbian schoolteacher who’s teaching your dyslexic son to read when no one else could and in exchange he’ll give you four tickets to a screening of Narnia. That doesn’t mean we can’t trust each other. But it does mean that we need to be on guard. For the Devil and his False Prophets are big toothy roving lions (and I ain't talking about Aslan, folks) looking for a tasty Christian morsel to maul.

But we’ll know true Christians by their love. The love of Christ that accepts and forgives others who can’t/won’t/don’t live up Gods standards. The love that would never send valiant men and women to sacrifice themselves in order to line the coffers of the wealthy. The love that asks WWJD instead of deciding to torture a prisoner of war. The love that sacrifices of itself. The love that tenderly cares for the poor. The love that rescues children. The love that delivers justice with mercy. That’s what you look for and if you don’t see that then check the size of their teeth.

Thursday, December 22, 2005


When does a haunting begin?

I’ve always assumed that the memory of someone we love begins to haunt us after they die. But maybe death is like walking around the corner while singing a song. They are out of sight but you can still hear the tune. And maybe the haunting begins with a sweet little ditty that they begin to sing when we can still see them, hold them and even harmonize a bit.

My Dad is alive. But the other night when Michael was opening a bottle of wine he told me that for the last 3 years he’s been unable to open a bottle of wine without thinking of my Dad. That’s because the first time my folks came out to meet Michael he was zipping around the kitchen preparing dinner. At one point he pulled a corkscrew out of the drawer and deftly uncorked a bottle of Cabernet. Viewing his future son-in-law’s grace my Dad said, “Man, you sure know your way around a kitchen!”

That one statement comes to Michael’s mind every single time he opens a bottle of wine. Michael told me all this the other night and I couldn’t help but note that something in his voice when he told the story made me realize that Michael was simultaneously deeply flattered and proud that he impressed my Dad. Michael really values my Dad’s opinion, I’ve always known that. But I think it meant everything to him to know that he had won my Dad’s approval even in a small way.

“Ever since then,” Michael told me, “I haven’t been able to open a bottle of wine without thinking of your Dad. It’s gonna be like that for the rest of my life. It’s like he’s cursed me or something.” We laughed about it. But I realized that when my Dad eventually passes away (hopefully many, many years from now) that will be the way he haunts my husband. But the thing is, he’s already started haunting him.

So it begins now. Here I am contemplating the possibility of creating life and I am simultaneously obsessed with the ending of it. My grandmother is alive. But she who gave me my first cup of java haunts me daily when I have my morning cup. Michael’s mother is alive. But she haunts me every time I see the Oakland Raiders emblem and remember her referring to them as “those jerky Raiders!” because she doesn’t like to curse. My mother is still alive. And she haunts my every move because she really was my very first Best Friend and in some ways will always be. But I always think of her when I see the old Godzilla movies, the original King Kong, The Day The Earth Stood Still or a dozen other classics that she still obsesses over.

I wonder how I will haunt people. I wonder if I am already haunting them. Maybe spirits are not bound by time or space. Maybe they can travel back in time to their own lifetimes like some ghost of Christmas past. Maybe everyone I have ever loved or will love is here. It would be wonderful to imagine my future children are even at this moment haunting me in the little toys and baby things that I see in the stores. Or in the faces of children around me. I hope that I am haunting them too. Because if I am then I know that there is a bond that cannot be broken and that death is merely a corner that we all turn while singing our own sweet songs.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

My Christmas Prayer

Dear God-

I know you’ve heard me say this before. But I really, really want a baby. You know I have that personal deadline of “be a mom for the first time before I’m 40.” Well my 39th birthday is like 40 days away so you know I’m really cutting it close here. While I respect the fact that you are not obligated to perform on my schedule, I might remind you of a certain promise you made a while back which you've kept so far. I'm just saying my foot is now tapping with "are we there yet" impatience.

Now according my fertility calendar I’m due to ovulate on your son’s birthday (give or take). So Michael and I will be “exchanging gifts” so to speak from now until then (and maybe on through the New Year just for good measure). In other words we’re doing our part. Do it to death practically… thank you for making the process so much fun, by the way. But you know all that “miracle of life” stuff is still open for you to step and in and “put a bow on it” as it were.

What I’m saying is: Make me a mommy for Christmas. Please.

Thank you. Amen.

*Any of you prayerful folk who may be so inclined, please add an Amen. Think of it as a Pregnancy Petition To the Big "G" For GWAA.

Friday, December 16, 2005

5 MORE Weird Habits

I’m tagging myself on from Brookes post.

Since I pretty much logged my embarrassing habits in this post and most of them are pretty weird, let’s just call this 5 MORE weird habits.

  1. I have conversations with my cats. I do both sides of the conversation and yet somehow they get all the best lines.
  2. I sing many of my conversations with Michael. He does it too, so it isn’t just me. We do it country, bluesy, opera-style… all different music genres. It’s fun. We try to make things rhyme when we do it. However, it usually ends up with us agreeing that if we raise our kids this way they are going to be picked on really badly at school.
  3. I read Dear Abbey every morning at work and imagine what I would do if someone in my family behaved the way people in those letters do.
  4. I imagine different horrible ways I could die. I do this pretty much daily. However, when I actually get up to the moment of my death, I think of some miraculous way I could be saved or I just change the subject. (Example, this morning I had a nose bleed and imagined that it was a sign of a brain tumor caused by cell phone use. Then I decided I needed to do my nails this weekend no matter what, so I never actually imagined my final tragic moments as I succumb to brain cancer.)
  5. I dance for no reason without even realizing I’m doing it. No music playing or anything; I just start moving to whatever I’m hearing in my head (which is sometimes nothing.) Last night I was having a conversation (spoken not sung) with Michael and I started doing The Robot as I was standing there. He just looked at me like I was nuts and then started laughing.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Sultry Christmas Love Songs

I want to make a CD with the best Bluesy, Jazzy, Ballady and R&B Christmas Songs on it. I guess I’m looking for Christmas Love songs but it doesn’t have to be exclusively love songs. Just songs that would be great to slow dance to with your honey on Christmas Eve (have I given away my December 24th plans?)

Here’s what I have so far but I need more. Give me your best suggestions. Not just songs but whoever does the best rendition of it in your opinion. Hopefully they’ll be available on Itunes.

Baby it’s Cold Outside (either Ella Fitzgerald’s version or the Harry Connick Jr. one)
This Christmas (the Harry Connick Jr. version is my top pick)
Santa Baby (Eartha Kitt – is there really anyone that matches up?)
I Can’t Wait for Christmas – Mindy Abair

Also does anyone know where I can download “I’ve got some presents for Santa” by Sarah Taylor & Bill Mumy?

Update: I'm adding these to my list
-- Frosty’s Rag (Frosty the Snowman) Anita Baker
-- Merry Christmas Baby – Christina Aguilera or Chuck Berry or Etta James
-- Merry, Merry Christmas Baby - (I think this is different from the one above, but not sure)
-- Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer – Temptations or Ray Charles
-- The Man With The Bag – Kay Star
-- The Christmas Song – Nat King Cole
-- I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – (Not sure who does the best version)

Sunday, December 11, 2005

And Ye Shall Receive

I had a rough drive home Tuesday night. I was feeling down on myself. I haven't been doing the things I want to do. The things I should do. I spend too much. I eat like crap. I don't exercise. I'm not writing. I'm not focused at work. I don't pray enough. I feel like a hypocrit half the time. I was just not feeling happy.

So I started praying on the way home. I got really emotional. I started sobbing. Laying out my soul to God. Just telling Him all the ways I'd been letting myself and Him down. Finally I just said, "I know You can help me but I don't know where to start!"

Suddenly my eyes focused in on the licence plate of the car ahead of me. It was just a normal CA plate. A number followed by three letters and then three more numbers. But the letters incredibly spelled out the word "ASK."

I actually did a doubletake. ASK! Oh right that would make sense. And so I did. I went back over each my complaints and woes and ASKED for God's help (crying pretty much the whole time). I'm pretty sure He started working on things immediately because I had the presence of mind to ASK Him to help me get home without killing myself considering the fact I was crying so much.

After a few minutes I felt a sense of calm. The car was still in front of me. Then I laughed, "so what's that? Your version of a personalized licence plate? That was clever, really clever."
Seriously God is pretty cool.

Michael called a few minutes later and I told him what happened. "You see, that's what I've been saying you just have to ask Him for help everyday and have faith." Yeah but it helps to here from the Big Guy Himself every so often.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

If Only...

Gosh, it's like I could add some holly berries and it would be the perfect Christmas card!

Monday, December 05, 2005

Random Post

Ross is evil: I mean Ross Dress For Less not the character from Friends. I feel like I sell my soul to the devil every time I walk in there. So many lovely things to buy. Things that would look so nice in my house, on my body or on my feet. So inexpensive-seeming and yet where does my money go? Ross, foul soul-sucking money-eating store. I must stay away from thee!!

Cats: What the hell is it with them? Do they have to eat EVERY day? Greedy little poops. But they are cute. Unfortunately they think I live to serve them. Which is probably true.

Husband: He made me breakfast in bed yesterday. Fresh fruit, English muffin, steak and eggs. Complete with a tiny vase filled with tiny roses and a tea light candle on the tray. And the Sunday paper. Hmmm… make note: Keep Him!!

Work: Tell me why I need to come here again? Oh right!....

Money: Never enough of it to meet my needs… er, desires. I must learn not to spend it. But it’s made for spending. So if I just have it sitting a bank account it’s bound to go stale, no?

Christmas: I’m getting mildly annoyed with the “Happy Holidays” thing. I know not everybody’s a Christian. But I like saying "Merry Christmas." Get over it if you don’t like it. I think I will alternate. Maybe next year I will do "Happy Holidays." But right now I need a "Merry Christmas" year.

Blogs: I know you are out there. But I’m boring you all to tears with my lack of blogging. But that whole “havin’ a job” deal is slowin’ my flow. All I have time for is a random post like this. *sigh*