Please Mr. Trump, Fire Craig!

I love The Apprentice. I have to say that this is the only reality show that IMHO is worth anything. (I secretly watch those wife swap shows from time to time too, but I just feel so dirty afterward.) I love Donald Trump; bad hair, overstuffed ego, audaciously pompous interior design and all. I just LOVE that man!!! He so unapologetically self serving. In a world of self-righteous megalomaniacs who start wars in a limp effort to veil their painfully obvious profiteering, Donald Trump is just refreshing somehow, he really is.

That said, I ask The Donald to please fire Craig. That man is an ass. While I think Kendra is a bit inexperienced and really needs to learn how to shut down idiots like Craig, her inexperience has hardly been a detriment to her. I mean she won that car brochure task almost single handedly. Come ON!!! Give the girl a break. You would think she would have earned his respect on that.

But no, dumbass Craig continues to patronize her at every turn. And his being black isn't making up any slack with this Sista! I realize of course, that the show is edited for maximum drama and that there is probably a whole lot more going on; but I can't speak to what's on the cutting room floor.

Here's my take on the televised Craig. When he has a brilliant idea like the box in the Home Depot task he sucks at articulating it. When he has no idea like the Staples task last night he gets all patronizing and starts talking vaguely about "conceptualizing" and everyone being "held accountable to their concepts" or some such crap. WTF!!! Somehow I don't think that 10 minutes of silent conceptualizing is gonna play well in Donald Trump's REAL boardroom while they are trying to make a billion dollar deal.

The only reason they won the task is because Tana and Kendra took point and got a focus group going in spite of him. He did nothing. They basically just humored him and took over the task.

I'm sure that the guy is brilliant. I'm sure that his style of leadership works great in some situations. It's probably perfect when he is the boss/owner and everyone under him is 15 years old and thinks he's the cat's pajamas. But he is a grown man dealing with other grown-ups whose egos are just as big as his. He needs to adapt his management style. And if he doesn't have any ideas he had at least better learn to listen critically (not criticizing-ly) to other peoples ideas. I mean what was that whole silent brainstorming session about?!!! It's like the business equivalent of a time out. Sheeesh!!!

In any case I am sure that who ever puts these guys through the paces during the interviews is going to see through Craig right away. I'm betting (hoping) he will lopped off after that. I figure Tana is a shoe-in for the final two. She'd basically have to sleep through the interview process not to make it. That sister is sharp!

As for the other two. I think Kendra deserves to be in the final 2 -- after all if my count is right she's only been on a losing team 3 times, Craig and Tana have lost 4 times and Alex is a 7 time loser. On the car brochure task 3 people fell asleep Craig and Tana on their team and Alex on his. If Kendra hadn't busted her ass they would have lost. And that was one of the few tasks during the 13 weeks where the sponsor decided to use the product created. That said I don't think she'll make it because Alex is more cutthroat as evidenced by his ruthless, and almost gladiatorial, decimation of Bren (his brother) in the boardroom last night. Of course, Bren was clearly giving up half way through so it was an easy kill.

So I think it SHOULD be Tana and Kendra but will more likely be Tana and Alex in the final two. And I think Tana will kick ass and be the Apprentice -- and probably the most deserving one so far to boot. When I think about it, it's probably better that Alex be in the final two because from a pure entertainment standpoint it will be more fun watching that arrogant fool hang himself. I think it would be too painful watching Kendra choke on the final task and I think, in the absence of Tana's steady guidance she would do just that. Or maybe I'm taking all this nonsense WAY too seriously.

Aww MAN!! I just wasted 45 minutes writing on this crap. So much for shifting my priorities to important things.

I Am So Shallow

I’ve been in a bad mood all day. We missed our appointment at church again. So that means I’ve been late every day this week. I know everybody thinks I’m slacking off. I hate that. Plus I realized that Saturday’s vanity visit to the laser hair removal center is having an ugly side effect. Three ugly burns on my bikini line. They say it’s normal and it will fade but it looks horrible. I can’t believe I spent money on this. I am such an ass. I keep telling myself that putting an end to painful ingrown hairs is worth the suffering. But I’m wavering now because I look like I a sat in a hot oiled frying pan.

Mostly I’m realizing what a vain jerk I’ve become. Less than a year ago we could barely make house payments and our credit was circling the drain. Now we get a little bit of money (and I do mean “little”) and we are both acting like we hit the jackpot. Before we know it we are going to be broke again. At least Michael is buying stuff for the house (stuff we don’t need, but for the house at least) unlike selfish me who buys stuff mostly for me. Sure I spend money on clothes for him and vet bill for the cats, but the majority of the money I’ve been wasting is for shoes and clothes and vanity crap for me.

I can hardly stand myself. And then there are people in the world who are really struggling to hold it together while I, the self absorbed profligate, bemoan the fact that he still hasn’t picked out an engagement ring even though we’ve been legally married for almost a year. Truth is I get embarrassed not having a nifty rock to show to my friends. How selfish. How stupid. I need to take a long hard look at my priorities and do a little shifting.

Am I Asking Too Much?

It’s fun to be judgmental. I mean really fun to walk around acting like you know it all. It’s great laughs to make fun of the people you disagree with when they are not around. You can gleefully tell yourself and other likeminded folks what fools those mortals be, as if you had painted God into your own private corner.

So why doesn’t it give me joy? Shouldn’t fun and joy be the same? Well clearly not, or I else I would be blissed out right now. I have a superiority complex just like everybody else – but mine is much better, of course. I know that I should be more humble. More aware. More in the moment. Less obsessed with who is right, who will win or who will get their butt stomped by karma or divine justice first. I think the end of the world is just around the corner. Or maybe it’s never coming and we can just act like idiots and screw each other because eternity is way off and the worst that can happen is that you come back as a slug or an ameoba in the slime on the belly of a slug. In which case there's no where to go but up. But still it's a tedious way to get to enlightenment.

I want to get up early in the morning and make a cup of coffee. Take it out to the yard and sit on one of the big boulders on the hillside and just be me in the middle of creation while God paints a morning sky. I want to forget that there is anything apart from me in the world and just take for granted that I don’t have to be a saint or a prophet or a celebrity writer. I’d like to see a day where I don’t once hold my breath or suck the air through my teeth in frustration at my brother and sister humans. I’d like to turn off the t.v. and not be so startled by the silence that I dive headlong for the remote. I’d like to consciously enjoy a moment of peace for longer than a moment before my mind wanders off in search of my worries. I'd like to forget everything I know and for once laugh in anticipation of all that I still have to learn.

Is that too much too ask?

A Very Candid Rant On My Pet Peeve Of The Day

There’s a radio commercial being played for a car company that starts out with a clever Oscar Wilde quote and then ends with the most insanely stupid adage I’ve ever heard. Apparently it’s a famous quote that’s been ascribed to many sports figures from Mohammad Ali to Babe Ruth to Dizzy Dean. Although most of the websites I looked up just called it an old Texas adage.

It goes like this… “It ain’t bragging, if you can do it.”

Uh… I may be pointing out the obvious here, but if you CAN DO IT, it’s STILL bragging. In fact to brag about something you pretty much have to be able to do it.

The Oxford American Dictionary defines it this way:
Brag: to talk boastfully : to boast about
And if we look up boast here’s what we find:
Boast: to declare one’s achievements, possessions, or abilities with indulgent pride and satisfaction.

There you see; to brag about something is to talk in a self-indulgent way about what you CAN do. A more linguistically accurate statement might be “it ain’t exaggerating, if you can do it.” Or better yet, “it ain’t bluffing, if you can do it.”

This bugs me because, there are kids out there listening to this dumbass commercial who are going to think that bragging is the same as bluffing. They are not going to pull out a dictionary and check. Trust me. I know. I tutored high school kids on the SAT verbal for years. Kids are lazy. They won’t look it up.

A perfect example is the word “candid.” It’s on every SAT. EVERY YEAR!!! And tons of kids get it wrong. Why? Because they immediately think of Candid Camera. They assume that because the “camera” was hidden that the word “candid” means hidden or secret. It happened with every single kid I ever tutored. And that’s exactly why the geniuses that write the SAT’s put it on the test – to trip up the kids who were too lazy to look it up.

When I tell them that “candid” means honest or truthful, they are totally shocked. I try to explain that the show was called “Candid Camera” because it was able to capture people’s honest reactions to bizarre situations when they think no one is looking. Now I don’t blame Candid Camera for this mass confusion amongst our nation’s youth. After all, the name DOES make sense, as long as you know what the word really means.

But that inane “bragging” adage just isn’t logical. It’s stupid. It redefines a word to practically mean the opposite of what its actual definition is.

Well, that’s what I get for being a writer. I’m way too sensitive about the abuse of words. (Unless I’m the one abusing them. In that case it’s art.)

Quid Agitur, Medicus?

Loose Latin to English translation: "What's Up, Doc?"

I guess Elmericus Maximus Fuddicus was a little more successful than his descendent.

Remains of Roman rabbit dinner unearthed in England

The "P" Word & Catholic Clergy

Catholic Women Still Press for Ordination

Back before I was a Catholic growing up in the AME church in Jersey, there was a woman minister that came to our church and preached a sermon. Now I realize that I was just a teenager but I have to say that what she preached on didn’t make one bit of sense to me. She just ranted and raved punctuating everything with “praise the lord,” “get right with God” and “HALLELUJAHH!!!!” She wasn’t shrill. She just didn’t make a logical argument for her scriptural interpretation. And everybody thought she was great. I was appalled. I kind of resented her for it. I’m not sure why.

I know it’s not fair, but that really turned me off on women in the clergy. I think maybe subconsciously a male only clergy is part of what attracted me to Catholicism, although it certainly wasn’t the deciding factor. In fact for a long time I sided with the male only ideology for that reason. I still do to be honest. But I’m trying to stay open minded.

I can’t help but think that one bad apple shouldn’t spoil things for everyone. And what if the passionate insistence of the women who champion this cause is a direct reflection of their receiving “the call” to priesthood.

And then I counter my own argument with, “well isn’t that what becoming a nun is for?” Maybe these women should be lobbying for an expansion in reach of the cloistered calling. But of course there’s a fundamental difference between priests and nuns that I’m smart enough to realize but not educated enough to define. Basically I suspected that it came down to the “p” word… POWER. (What did you think I was gonna say?) I figured that nuns are kind of like monks. Living a holy life within the church serving the people yet separate. Whereas a priest is the pastor of the flock. Making decisions that effect the people individually and as a whole. That was my guess. But really I didn’t know. So I wondered what the heck IS the difference? I looked it up. Here’s what I found on the online Pocket Catholic Dictionary (a wealth of knowledge faster than you can make the Sign of the Cross). http://www.therealpresence.org/dictionary/dictaintro.htm It turns out I was pretty much on the mark with my guess.

Priest: An authorized mediator who offers a true sacrifice in acknowledgment of God's supreme dominion over human beings and in expiation for their sins. A priest's mediation is the reverse of that of a prophet, who communicates from God to the people. A priest mediates from the people to God.
Christ, who is God and man, is the first, last, and greatest priest of the New Law. He is the eternal high priest who offered himself once and for all on the Cross, a victim of infinite value, and he continually renews that sacrifice on the altar through the ministry of the Church.
Within the Church are men who are specially ordained as priests to consecrate and offer the body and blood of Christ in the Mass. The Apostles were the first ordained priests, when on Holy Thursday night Christ told them to do in his memory what he had just done at the Last Supper. All priests and bishops trace their ordination to the Apostles. Their second essential priestly power, to forgive sins, was conferred by Christ on Easter Sunday, when he told the Apostles, "For those whose sins you forgive, they are forgiven; for those whose sins you retain, they are retained" (John 20-22, 23).
All the Christian faithful, however, also share in the priesthood by their baptismal character. They are enabled to offer themselves in sacrifice with Christ through the Eucharistic liturgy. They offer the Mass in the sense that they internally unite themselves with the outward offering made by the ordained priest alone.

(Notice that at first they say “authorized mediator” in other words ordained but later they say “all the Christian faithful” “share in the priesthood.” Gosh, my guy-only argument is feeling a bit shaky. )

Friar: A brother. Originally a form of address in general use among the Christian faithful, as is clear from the frequent references to “brother” and “brethren” in the New Testament writings. Later the term came to be used more exclusively by members of religious orders, and finally, since the thirteenth century, it referred to those who belonged to one of the mendicant orders, mainly the Franciscans and Dominicans, although extended to others in the monastic tradition. Strictly speaking, however, a friar differs from a monk in that his ministry engages him in work outside the monastery, whereas traditionally the prayer and labors of a monk are identified within the monastery to which he belongs. (Etym. Old French frère, freire, brother; Latin frater, brother)

Monk: Originally a hermit or anchorite, but already in the early Church applied to men living a community life in a monastery, under vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience, according to a specific rule, such as that of St. Basil or St. Benedict. (Etym. Greek monachos, living alone, solitary.)

I also found this definition of monk: “a monk is one called to seek God…. Many monks are ordained to the priesthood, which means they can celebrate Mass and administer the sacraments. They are addressed by the title of Father. But there are also many monks that while feeling called to a monastic life do not experience the call to priesthood. They are addressed by the title of Brother. Some brothers eventually become priests, but it is not uncommon for a monk to remain a brother for his entire religious life.”
Source: http://www.conceptionabbey.org/faqs.htm

Nun: In general, a member of a religious institute of women, living in a community under the vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience. More accurately, nuns are religious women under solemn vows living a cloistered, contemplative life in a monastery

Notice how long the definition is for Priest compared to Nun, Monk and Friar. In fact NUN is the shortest definition of all. Basically they are called to contemplate, that's it. "Jesus loves you, now just sit there and think about it, Sister." Sure they serve the community. But the sacraments are the power source. And the sacraments still belong in the testosterone zone. But God, Himself (or Herself) claims to be “no respecter of persons”, i.e. we’re all the same. So now it starts to get a little fuzzy. I mean who are we to deny a God given calling? And since a man doesn’t have to become a monk to be a priest, then the logical conclusion is that a woman should not have to become a nun to be a priestess.

I’m sure it’s no coincidence that the sacrament givers are the top power brokers. So basically women’s equality in the church boils down to exactly what it boils down to in the secular world, P-O-W-E-R. Like it or not women are going to interpret things differently. I suspect the first brick to crack in the Catholic doctrine wall would be birth control. And if that happens what’s gonna go next? Could the crown jewel of anti-abortion be in jeopardy? (That would be a long shot, but I’m sure our boys at the Vatican don’t want to take any chances.)

Personally I get it. I really do. We should be brave enough as a church to let God’s call land where ever God aims it instead of deflecting it with fears of the theological and doctrinal ramifications. But I don’t know if we are there yet. Or maybe we are and we just don’t like it one bit. Is it stubbornness that makes me want to ignore my own logic? Or is it some spiritual instinct that's directing me to stay faithful to current church doctrine? I wish I knew myself better. I wish I knew God better.

I think a better battle to wage should be in favor of married priests. I am totally for that. We need more of them. It’s biblically sound and it’s got precedence in church history, so what’s the big deal? It sure would help take the “edge” off for some of our stressed out (read: horny) priests. And maybe not make us so desperate for clergy that we’d actually harbor pedophiles in our midst. And if they are worried about the distraction factor, then why not limit their career aspirations to something like bishop or archbishop. You could restrict them from remarriage in the case of divorce (which would be a given, I think). But at least it would allow married men to answer their calling. And in today’s world a priest who has that kind of relationship experience could provide a lot of insight.

I’d love to know what you other folks think about it. Convince me. Or at least give me something else to think about.

Be The Bastard: Zen & The Art of Breaking Up

I’m going to write a book with that title. You know how in sports they coach kids with that Zen-inspired saying “be the ball.” In other words, don’t think too much just be one with the game. I think when men and women are ready to go their separate ways they should be willing to be the bastard.

I reflect now upon my distant dating history. How many times did guys perform the “fade-away breakup maneuver.” You know the move when he starts canceling dates. Stops returning calls. And starts acting like you holding his hand in public or sending a thank you note to his mom for the birthday gift she sent you is a thinly veiled shot gun in his back to get him down the aisle. The next thing you know you haven’t been on a date in 2 weeks and he acts like you’re a telemarketer when you call him. It gradually dawns on you that you are single. You spend the next 6 weeks trying to figure out what you did to drive him away. You question your self worth, your identity, your femininity. Your rebound relationship dies out of the gate because you still haven’t found your balance. Eventually time heals you by fading your memory and getting you lonely enough (or maybe horny enough) that you just say “screw it” and move on.

Women do it too. Only the move is more psychological and it’s called the “are-you-breaking-up-with-me? breakup maneuver.” Remember this one fellas… You buy her flowers and she reminds you she has allergies (since when?), you take her out to dinner and ask the waitress for a clean fork because yours is dirty and your woman grills you “you think she’s pretty don’t you? Prettier than me?” You pour the wine for her and she makes a remark that implies that you think she’s weak. Later at her place you forget to use a coaster under your glass and she bursts into tears and whimpers “you’re breaking up with me aren’t you?” You deny it but she’s ready with a whole log book of “signals” you’ve been giving off. You deny everything, but that just pisses her off because you must think she’s stupid or something. Finally she kicks you out. You’re standing outside her door wondering what happened. You know you’re single but you’re just not sure who dumped who.

This is stupid, wasteful behavior people. The only reason we do this is so we don’t have to do the asshole thing and initiate the break up. We don’t want to hear the words, “you’re such a bastard!” Because we’d have to defend our egos by using the old “it’s not you it’s me,” line. And we all know how worn out that is. Just tell the truth. Don't think about it, just be one with the breakup...BE THE BASTARD.

“It not ME, it’s YOU. YOU are not the one for ME. End of story. I didn’t know that at the start of the relationship. But I know that now. I figured it out last week in fact but I hung in there for a few days just to be sure. I really don’t see this as long term relationship; so I’m cutting you loose. Sayonara, sister!”

Try to avoid giving an explanation if possible. Do NOT say it’s because you’re just not ready (even if that’s the truth) because that’s just saying “if you hang in there I may be ready someday.” Which isn’t really true. The truth is you will not be ready for her or him ever in this lifetime. You might be ready for the next cutie that comes along though.

If the reason is shallow and superficial don’t give any explanation. Don’t say it’s because he has a receding hairline or because he drives a crappy car. Don’t tell her it’s because she has voice like Fran Drescher or she can’t cook to save her life. No matter how much they beg for an explanation if it’s something personal that they can’t change don’t give it. You could do irreparable damage. Being the bastard doesn't mean you have be a sadistic prick.

If the reason is personal, like your career, or your religion, or the fact that you don’t think marriage is the natural state of the human animal, then by all means share. But don’t be lured into a philosophical debate on it.

If you’ve been in the relationship longer than six months you’re gonna have to come up with something good. If you’ve been going out longer than 2 years, have the paramedics on speed dial, just in case.

The object here is to give your ex something to focus their hate on without turning it into a self-destructive or stalker-retribution rage. Just enough spite to let her tell her friends what a bastard you are. Just enough disgust to let him gripe to his buddies what freakin’ shrew you were. Just enough to release those broken-heart-tears while keeping the rivers of regret that can drown a person dammed up. In other words, just be the bastard!

About ten years ago I dated this one guy for two months. He was all gung ho on the relationship. We had fun together. He was cool. It was moving fast but I knew he had issues with his career (he talked about it in his sleep) and he still wasn’t over his ex (he talked about her when he was awake). I liked him but I had to point these things out to him. He didn’t think it was problem so I said okay and we continued on. Three days later he broke up with me. He’d reflected on what I said and he realized he had a whole lot of issues to deal with. He was honest straight forward and actually a little humble about it. It still hurt me.

I went to lunch with a friend of mine and bitched and cried about it. My buddy made jokes and helped me laugh. It dawned on me that he was the first guy to really break up with me. No fade away. No picking fights. Just a straight breakup. I realized how cool it was that this guy respected me enough to be straight with me. I actually sent him a letter thanking him for the nicest break-up I ever had.

Now in all fairness it would have been harder if we’d been dating longer but the idea still stands. Just man-up and be the bastard. You’ll help her get over you that much faster. It might seem unkind and you’ll feel like a dirt bag, but it’s a kind of tough love. Women too. Just take the responsibility for it and cut him loose. Don’t try the “let’s just be friends” thing. That’s the female version of the “fade-away breakup maneuver.” Just be the bastard, ladies.

I really could write a book on this. When my kids start dating the first lesson I’m going to teach them is how to break up with someone. “Just be the bastard, honey," I'll tell 'em, "be the bastard.”

Whatever you do, don't read this....

Whatever happened to joining the peace corps for an intense experience?
We live in a world that is exceedingly full of self-conceit and foolishness.
Dear God, don't judge us by these pathetic knuckleheads.

Don't say you weren't warned!

My No Junk Poem

I had a salad and a sandwich.
And a grande vanilla latte.
All from starbucks
Just $9.

I feel nice inside.
:-)

Oilman Seeks Gusher from God in Israel

KIBBUTZ MAANIT, Israel (Reuters) - A Texas oilman is using his Bible as a guide to finding oil in the Holy Land.

[Wow, you mean a different one than the one leading the country? Hey this reminds me of a t.v show….]

John Brown, a born-again Christian and founder of Zion Oil & Gas of Dallas, can quote chapter and verse about his latest drilling venture in Israel, where his company has an oil and gas exploration license covering 96,000 acres.

[Come and listen to my story of man named John, a money hungry fella with a brand new con]

"Most blessed of sons be Asher. Let him be favored by his brothers and let him dip his foot in oil," Brown quotes from Moses's blessing to one of the 12 Tribes of Israel in Deuteronomy 33:24.
Standing next to a 54-meter (177-ft)-high derrick at Kibbutz Maanit in northern Israel, Brown said the passage indicated there is oil lying beneath the biblical territory of the Tribe of Asher, where the agricultural community is located.

[See one day he was readin’ the word of God, and suddenly discovered a neat divinin’ rod. The bible that is, the good book, Texas research.]

Geological surveys and an attempt by an Israeli-based company to find oil at the same site 10 years ago, a venture he said was abandoned for lack of funds, led Brown to pick the spot where new drilling will begin this week.

Brown said he raised money for "Project Joseph" from fellow evangelical Christians in the United States.

[Well the first thing you know ol’ John’s got a plan. His church folk said, ”hey we’re all behind ya man!”]

"From the investment standpoint, they certainly hope to have a return of the money," he said. "But the basis of it is Genesis, chapter 12."

In that passage, God promises to shower blessings on those who bless the "great nation" sired by the Hebrew patriarch Abraham.

[They said “on a kibbutz is the place ya oughta be", so he loaded up his jet and he flew to Galileeeeeeeeee. Jesus country. Lots of sand and Jewish folk.]

Read the story sans commentary