I was driving home and it hit me. Why, I wondered did it take me so long to find a man I can settle down with? I found him (contrary to what you may think after my first post of the day – which was made on behalf of my single gal friends). But why 35 freaking years to meet him? (Not that I was really looking for the first 25, but for the sake of hyperbole let’s pump up the numbers.)
In any case I know why. I was faking it. I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t with my dates; while my guy friends and girlfriends knew the truth. I wasn’t being me. I was the perfect girlfriend all along, and I was trying to be the perfect woman.
Screw being the perfect woman. I’m fantastic just being me. I don’t eat well. But that’s part of my charm. Here are just a few of the things that make Michael the luckiest guy on the planet…
1. I like action flicks. Special effects rock, who needs plot? When shit blows up or somebody makes wisecracks while they’re kicking the crap out of someone or they’re getting the crap kicked out of them – that’s entertainment!
2. Chick flicks. I like them too but leave the guys at home. I don’t want somebody squirming next to me for two hours unless it’s my cats.
3. Sports. I don’t do sports but I don’t care if the guy watches em. More free time for me to shop.
4. Beef. I like beef. Yummy!
5. I don’t do extreme weight loss. Cabbage soup diet? What the fuck is that about?
6. I like that my clothes make my ass look bigger.
7. Romantic night = smoking cigars in a Jacuzzi while doing shots of Tequila
8. Doing a striptease for your guy is fun.
9. Spiky heels suck unless they are part of your costume for number 8.
10. I’m not jealous. I don’t ask him to account for every freakin’ second of his day.
11. Dessert; see number 4.
12. I make fart jokes.
13. I fart and blame it on the cats.
14. I belch loudly and laugh about it.
15. I curse too much
16. I drive too fast
17. I think I own the road.
18. I prefer jeans to dresses.
19. I think I’m always right.
20. Blow jobs; see number 4. – nuff said.
So you see I’m really a lot like a guy. I mean I’m girly. I’m thin, feminine, soft-featured. I like a lot of girly stuff like shopping and shoes and shit like that. I get all mushy around babies. But in a lot of everyday ways I’m well… man-ish. I think that holding back on that “real me” kept me from attracting a guy that would love me for me. 3 years ago I got tired of putting on the show and almost instantly he walked into my life.
But see herein lies my identity crisis. What am I? A straight guy who has feminine qualities is now called a metrosexual in modern parlance. So what am I?
I’m straight so “dyke” is not applicable. “Butch” makes me feel like I should talk in a deep voice or something. And “tomboy” is misleading cause like I said, I don’t do sports. So what’s the catchy trendy name for gals like me? (and there are a lot of us.)
I am open for suggestions.
Anybody… anybody… Bueler?
Monday, April 04, 2005
I know you are, but what am I? -A (sort of) Sincere Identity Crisis
All Junked up AGAIN!
Rant/bitch session number 2 for the day.
What the hell is my problem? I did exactly the same thing as last time only it wasn’t raining so I have no excuse for staying in. I only had 5 Oreos instead of 6 and I downed the whole pint of milk even though I know I’m friggin’ lactose intolerant.
I’d almost forgotten how good milk straight up can be - yummmmmm. Except for the nausea that follows and the lamentable stomach cramps that require amped up dosages of Maalox to keep me from accidentally doing “drive bys” on unsuspecting co-workers.
I am a nutritionally challenged moron. This almost tops waiting until the battery my car alarm remote was completely dry before replacing it. Which you know can only be discovered after you lock and arm the damn thing and then can’t turn the bastard off.
Why do I undermine myself this way? Why?!!! Why???
What the hell is my problem? I did exactly the same thing as last time only it wasn’t raining so I have no excuse for staying in. I only had 5 Oreos instead of 6 and I downed the whole pint of milk even though I know I’m friggin’ lactose intolerant.
I’d almost forgotten how good milk straight up can be - yummmmmm. Except for the nausea that follows and the lamentable stomach cramps that require amped up dosages of Maalox to keep me from accidentally doing “drive bys” on unsuspecting co-workers.
I am a nutritionally challenged moron. This almost tops waiting until the battery my car alarm remote was completely dry before replacing it. Which you know can only be discovered after you lock and arm the damn thing and then can’t turn the bastard off.
Why do I undermine myself this way? Why?!!! Why???
I AM A BALL & CHAIN SO SUE ME!!!
Okay, here’s a bitch session on behalf of my single girlfriends.
Why do people, and by people I mean, men predominantly; think of a wife and kids as the ball and chains that will put an end to their freedom? They don’t want to live by someone else’s rules, or have to sacrifice or compromise.
But, since when does freedom equate to a lack of commitment, an absence of intimacy and no responsibility? Since when does freedom mean there are no rules and no compromise? How is selfishness liberating?
They say they don’t want to get married and have a family because then they are not free to do whatever they want, whenever they want. In other words they want to spend their money on beer and toys and retain the option to stick their dicks into the most appealing hole that presents itself. But how in the hell is personal caprice and instant gratification the same thing as freedom? (Unless you're like 2-years old, or something; and aren't the "terrible two's" the result of toddlers realizing they can't have their way all the time? Sheeessh!)
Okay, say you are a single guy. Congratulations, you’re free to corrupt yourself and contract all manner of diseases in through meaningless, random uncommitted sex! Woohoo! Way to go with that freedom. You’re well on your way to becoming a dirty old man that children will make fun of and pretty young women will shun with disgust. But hey, you’ll be free.
Here the low down. If you have no rules, no compromise and no self-sacrifice you are not free. You have only chaos, strife and suffering. If you do not have responsibility, commitment and intimacy, you are not free. You are empty, aimless and lonely. Even if you have a girlfriend that you love, but you can’t commit to. You are trapped. You’ll remain trapped until you make a commitment to something.
You don’t have to get married to be free but you damn well better make a commitment to being single. And then have the courage to say so and let her make her own decisions. I hate when guys are slaves to their own misguided sense of freedom and then selfishly trap their girlfriends in a delusion of hope. That’s just plain weak.
You want to be free? Give in. That is freedom. It is a conscious, deliberate, intentional abandoning of the self to love. Love is the only truth. And we all know what the truth does. But it’s not a mindless surrender. Freedom is “giving in” not “giving up.”
When you love deeply you say to yourself “I love her totally as she loves me. My heart is at her mercy and hers is at mine. I know that because she’s not perfect one day she may hurt me or let me down. And I will almost certainly do the same. But I know that my love for her and hers for me is strong enough to overcome it.”
That is giving in to love. It becomes a truth you live by. And from that comes freedom. Think about it. Half the time we don’t try the things that we really want to do in life because we are afraid of failing so badly that people will mock us or abandon us. We don’t want to look like fools. But to give yourself over to love you are taking a courageous step. You can pursue your dreams knowing that you will always have that one person who is rooting for you win or lose. And you are proud to be the one person who is always in her audience cheering for her rain or shine. My God, doesn’t anyone see the beauty in that? Why is it so fucking hard to see?
Maybe it’s because we don’t really know what love itself is. We think we know. We think it has something to do with affection, with desire and with the pleasure we feel from the object of our love. But that’s not love.
Real love is desiring above all the things the happiness of the other. It’s that simple. That doesn’t mean your sweetheart has to be a giddy, giggling fool you have to entertain 24-7. It means that when she is broken hearted you are there to wrap your arms around her and comfort her. Not to make her forget her grief and fear but to stand by her as she faces them. Not to lavish her with gifts that sparkle, but to offer her the treasures of your deepest heart and to cherish those secrets she gives to you with a trembling voice and burning tears.
To desire her happiness above all things is cheer her on when she doubts herself. To challenge her when she’s tempted do something half-assed. To pick a fight with her when she tries to hide from a truth she needs to face. To confront her with your pain when she lets you down and be willing to forgive her even when it still stings. To bear witness to and encourage her in her struggle to become the best version of herself. And it means you must be vulnerable enough to let her into you completely so that she can do all those things for you.
The best human example of this kind of true love is parental love. Think about your parents, or your kids if you have them and read over the last two paragraphs, you’ll see what I mean. That’s why children make giving in to love so easy. Because until we have children we are never more aware of the weight of the transaction. How impossible is it for any man to hold his child for the first time and not fall hopelessly, madly in love? Every father who’s ever held his child for the first time has felt it; physically in his body something strong and rigid suddenly lets go. Something deep in his soul exhales, releases. The strong and rigid is replaced with the powerful and fluid. You can see the vow form in his eyes. “I will always protect you. I live for your happiness.” That is love.
Parental love and freedom have taxes and rewards. The screaming toddler who must be carried to the car from the department store by a red faced father, is same one who will an hour later discover the existence of butterflies with a shout of delight and awe that daddy knew exactly what that wondrous flying creature was called. It the same for married love. The wife who complains about you not helping her around the house is the same beauty who dances with you in the kitchen after the kids are asleep and later curls up next to you in bed as you share the stories of your day.
When a woman asks if you love her and if you want to be with her, that is what she wants to know. Love is the security of knowing that you both live for the happiness of each other. When you are safe and secure in that kind of love you are free indeed.
Why do people, and by people I mean, men predominantly; think of a wife and kids as the ball and chains that will put an end to their freedom? They don’t want to live by someone else’s rules, or have to sacrifice or compromise.
But, since when does freedom equate to a lack of commitment, an absence of intimacy and no responsibility? Since when does freedom mean there are no rules and no compromise? How is selfishness liberating?
They say they don’t want to get married and have a family because then they are not free to do whatever they want, whenever they want. In other words they want to spend their money on beer and toys and retain the option to stick their dicks into the most appealing hole that presents itself. But how in the hell is personal caprice and instant gratification the same thing as freedom? (Unless you're like 2-years old, or something; and aren't the "terrible two's" the result of toddlers realizing they can't have their way all the time? Sheeessh!)
Okay, say you are a single guy. Congratulations, you’re free to corrupt yourself and contract all manner of diseases in through meaningless, random uncommitted sex! Woohoo! Way to go with that freedom. You’re well on your way to becoming a dirty old man that children will make fun of and pretty young women will shun with disgust. But hey, you’ll be free.
Here the low down. If you have no rules, no compromise and no self-sacrifice you are not free. You have only chaos, strife and suffering. If you do not have responsibility, commitment and intimacy, you are not free. You are empty, aimless and lonely. Even if you have a girlfriend that you love, but you can’t commit to. You are trapped. You’ll remain trapped until you make a commitment to something.
You don’t have to get married to be free but you damn well better make a commitment to being single. And then have the courage to say so and let her make her own decisions. I hate when guys are slaves to their own misguided sense of freedom and then selfishly trap their girlfriends in a delusion of hope. That’s just plain weak.
You want to be free? Give in. That is freedom. It is a conscious, deliberate, intentional abandoning of the self to love. Love is the only truth. And we all know what the truth does. But it’s not a mindless surrender. Freedom is “giving in” not “giving up.”
When you love deeply you say to yourself “I love her totally as she loves me. My heart is at her mercy and hers is at mine. I know that because she’s not perfect one day she may hurt me or let me down. And I will almost certainly do the same. But I know that my love for her and hers for me is strong enough to overcome it.”
That is giving in to love. It becomes a truth you live by. And from that comes freedom. Think about it. Half the time we don’t try the things that we really want to do in life because we are afraid of failing so badly that people will mock us or abandon us. We don’t want to look like fools. But to give yourself over to love you are taking a courageous step. You can pursue your dreams knowing that you will always have that one person who is rooting for you win or lose. And you are proud to be the one person who is always in her audience cheering for her rain or shine. My God, doesn’t anyone see the beauty in that? Why is it so fucking hard to see?
Maybe it’s because we don’t really know what love itself is. We think we know. We think it has something to do with affection, with desire and with the pleasure we feel from the object of our love. But that’s not love.
Real love is desiring above all the things the happiness of the other. It’s that simple. That doesn’t mean your sweetheart has to be a giddy, giggling fool you have to entertain 24-7. It means that when she is broken hearted you are there to wrap your arms around her and comfort her. Not to make her forget her grief and fear but to stand by her as she faces them. Not to lavish her with gifts that sparkle, but to offer her the treasures of your deepest heart and to cherish those secrets she gives to you with a trembling voice and burning tears.
To desire her happiness above all things is cheer her on when she doubts herself. To challenge her when she’s tempted do something half-assed. To pick a fight with her when she tries to hide from a truth she needs to face. To confront her with your pain when she lets you down and be willing to forgive her even when it still stings. To bear witness to and encourage her in her struggle to become the best version of herself. And it means you must be vulnerable enough to let her into you completely so that she can do all those things for you.
The best human example of this kind of true love is parental love. Think about your parents, or your kids if you have them and read over the last two paragraphs, you’ll see what I mean. That’s why children make giving in to love so easy. Because until we have children we are never more aware of the weight of the transaction. How impossible is it for any man to hold his child for the first time and not fall hopelessly, madly in love? Every father who’s ever held his child for the first time has felt it; physically in his body something strong and rigid suddenly lets go. Something deep in his soul exhales, releases. The strong and rigid is replaced with the powerful and fluid. You can see the vow form in his eyes. “I will always protect you. I live for your happiness.” That is love.
Parental love and freedom have taxes and rewards. The screaming toddler who must be carried to the car from the department store by a red faced father, is same one who will an hour later discover the existence of butterflies with a shout of delight and awe that daddy knew exactly what that wondrous flying creature was called. It the same for married love. The wife who complains about you not helping her around the house is the same beauty who dances with you in the kitchen after the kids are asleep and later curls up next to you in bed as you share the stories of your day.
When a woman asks if you love her and if you want to be with her, that is what she wants to know. Love is the security of knowing that you both live for the happiness of each other. When you are safe and secure in that kind of love you are free indeed.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Terri Of Two Worlds
Terri is caught between two worlds. And I think she knows it. Maybe her brain doesn’t know it. But I think the essence of her, her soul is fully aware. Whether she wants to stay or go really depends on her attachment to this world and her desire for the next. She’s had 15 years to mull it over. I suspect that time doesn’t measure out for her now the way it does for us. So maybe it only feels like a few moments, or maybe it feels like eternity.
Does she look at her long suffering husband and the agony of her parents and strain to loosen the cords that bind her brain so that she can hold them again? Or does she pray that God gives them the strength to let her go, so that she can return to Him? It’s got to be torture for everybody concerned.
I wish Terri could live. I wish she could live in the world she longs for most. I wish we could respect her right to do so. She is not some suicidal person firmly planted in this life who is simply giving up. She is clearly between this life and the after life. Like a person with dual citizenship in two great nations. Where does her allegiance fall?
I can’t help but think, if it were me… I would hate to leave this world with my life so unfinished. I would want to live. I would stand by my body pleading for someone to pray for me. Longing for their faith to make me whole. Praying to God for a reprieve and a second chance. But how long would I do that? 15 years? If 15 years felt like 15 years, or if it felt longer, I think I would eventually just want to go home. But if 15 years flashed by in a breath, I would be standing there screaming for life.
Unless… unless I saw the 15 years destroying my family. Tearing away at them piece by piece. Never letting them heal or move on. Watching them suffer, knowing it was because of me. Pounding the walls with fleshless fists as they imagined seeing light in my soulless eyes. Then even 15 years in a heartbeat would be hell for me. I would be tortured that they were keeping me here in this prison.
But then, what if I WERE there, just beyond my own eyes, looking out? What if I were navigating the labyrinth of my own mind trying to find the switch that would turn me back on? And what if my time was running out? What if my body was hungry and drained so that I was now falling behind in a losing battle? Would I be angry at them for trying to kill me? For standing by and watching me die?
Or maybe. Just maybe. I am already gone. Maybe I have been gone for so long that when I do come by the hospital to visit my family on occasion, I find myself marveling that the people I love are having such a hard time figuring out what to do with my old clothes. Why are they beating each other up over those old rags? What’s the big deal anyway? --- “I wish you guys could see all the amazing stuff I’ve seen. It’s so cool! Stop crying for a minute and let me tell you about it.” --- But they don’t and after a while I give them each an ethereal kiss, turn to Jesus and ask him to take care of them, and then head off to explore another corner of creation.
I don’t know the answer. But Terri does. I just hope she holds fast to the world she wants to live in. And, if it’s not this one, I hope she’s already free.
Does she look at her long suffering husband and the agony of her parents and strain to loosen the cords that bind her brain so that she can hold them again? Or does she pray that God gives them the strength to let her go, so that she can return to Him? It’s got to be torture for everybody concerned.
I wish Terri could live. I wish she could live in the world she longs for most. I wish we could respect her right to do so. She is not some suicidal person firmly planted in this life who is simply giving up. She is clearly between this life and the after life. Like a person with dual citizenship in two great nations. Where does her allegiance fall?
I can’t help but think, if it were me… I would hate to leave this world with my life so unfinished. I would want to live. I would stand by my body pleading for someone to pray for me. Longing for their faith to make me whole. Praying to God for a reprieve and a second chance. But how long would I do that? 15 years? If 15 years felt like 15 years, or if it felt longer, I think I would eventually just want to go home. But if 15 years flashed by in a breath, I would be standing there screaming for life.
Unless… unless I saw the 15 years destroying my family. Tearing away at them piece by piece. Never letting them heal or move on. Watching them suffer, knowing it was because of me. Pounding the walls with fleshless fists as they imagined seeing light in my soulless eyes. Then even 15 years in a heartbeat would be hell for me. I would be tortured that they were keeping me here in this prison.
But then, what if I WERE there, just beyond my own eyes, looking out? What if I were navigating the labyrinth of my own mind trying to find the switch that would turn me back on? And what if my time was running out? What if my body was hungry and drained so that I was now falling behind in a losing battle? Would I be angry at them for trying to kill me? For standing by and watching me die?
Or maybe. Just maybe. I am already gone. Maybe I have been gone for so long that when I do come by the hospital to visit my family on occasion, I find myself marveling that the people I love are having such a hard time figuring out what to do with my old clothes. Why are they beating each other up over those old rags? What’s the big deal anyway? --- “I wish you guys could see all the amazing stuff I’ve seen. It’s so cool! Stop crying for a minute and let me tell you about it.” --- But they don’t and after a while I give them each an ethereal kiss, turn to Jesus and ask him to take care of them, and then head off to explore another corner of creation.
I don’t know the answer. But Terri does. I just hope she holds fast to the world she wants to live in. And, if it’s not this one, I hope she’s already free.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
A Moment Of Clarity
"Where have you gone? I had a lot of plans for you," Hossein Golestani sang softly to the lifeless form of his 7-year-old daughter, Fatima, held in his arms. The body of his 8-year-old daughter Mariam lay beside him in the devastated village of Hotkan.
By NASSER KARIMI, Associated Press Writer
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Sometimes you don’t see your own inner darkness until the lights go out around you.
I don’t know how I formed my perceptions of other people in the Middle East. Countries like Iran. Where “they hate Americans,” “Islamic Fundamentalists Extremists,” “terrified women in burkas” and “hardened men with guns” seems to sum up the images that float through my mind. They are used to war and devastation. They are an angry people immune to the anguish of death. That is what I see in the news every single day. They are not like us.
But a father singing a tender song of mourning over the broken lifeless bodies of his precious little girls… this did not come into the picture until today. It is a song that only love can sing. The deep aching song of the moments which are forever lost; trying to carry to heaven a message to the children taken too soon. He is singing of dreams that his grief can not yet release him from.
By NASSER KARIMI, Associated Press Writer
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Sometimes you don’t see your own inner darkness until the lights go out around you.
I don’t know how I formed my perceptions of other people in the Middle East. Countries like Iran. Where “they hate Americans,” “Islamic Fundamentalists Extremists,” “terrified women in burkas” and “hardened men with guns” seems to sum up the images that float through my mind. They are used to war and devastation. They are an angry people immune to the anguish of death. That is what I see in the news every single day. They are not like us.
But a father singing a tender song of mourning over the broken lifeless bodies of his precious little girls… this did not come into the picture until today. It is a song that only love can sing. The deep aching song of the moments which are forever lost; trying to carry to heaven a message to the children taken too soon. He is singing of dreams that his grief can not yet release him from.
It wasn’t war. It was an earthquake. But untimely death tears the heart as violently in human or natural devastation. I don’t know if this is the man the story talks about. But according to the AP news caption he is from the same town. And a tiny limp foot of a child can be seen protruding from beneath the blanket. Even if he isn't the same man I know he sings the same song.
When will I learn not to see the borders? When will we all learn? How do we begin? Must the lights go out for a million innocent children and their families before we see we are the same? Surely a million children have died by now. And more. How long will it take?
And how long will this moment of clarity last for me? What will happen later in this day, this week, this life of mine to distract me. To make me forget long enough to begin the cycle of dehumanization again. Why can’t I hold onto this reality forever? Why does it seem to slip away when I need it most? Why does it have to be so damned easy to write each other off; to hate through indifference?
Monday, February 21, 2005
All Junked Up.
I know better. I really do. I had a giant oatmeal chocolate chip cookie for breakfast and a coffee with hot chocolate mixed in.
Then I had ramen noodles for lunch, cause it’s raining and I didn’t want to drive some place. I was still hungry so I bought some milk from the vending machine and used it to soften up about 6 Oreo cookies I had stashed in a Ziploc bag in my desk.
I feel gross. I feel like I’m gonna hurl. I know better, but I didn’t care. I just did it anyway. It’s Lent for crying out loud! Shouldn’t I have given up dumb stuff like this?
And here I am thinking about starting a family. I need to take a class in nutrition or my future kids will get scooped up by Social Services right out of the womb.
I feel like poo. I just want to drink a lot of water and then belch to make it all go away. God, pleeease forgive me for not using the good sense You gave me!
Then I had ramen noodles for lunch, cause it’s raining and I didn’t want to drive some place. I was still hungry so I bought some milk from the vending machine and used it to soften up about 6 Oreo cookies I had stashed in a Ziploc bag in my desk.
I feel gross. I feel like I’m gonna hurl. I know better, but I didn’t care. I just did it anyway. It’s Lent for crying out loud! Shouldn’t I have given up dumb stuff like this?
And here I am thinking about starting a family. I need to take a class in nutrition or my future kids will get scooped up by Social Services right out of the womb.
I feel like poo. I just want to drink a lot of water and then belch to make it all go away. God, pleeease forgive me for not using the good sense You gave me!
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
...To The Last Drop
I love coffee. I’m not even sure it’s the caffeine. I mean I know that’s part of it. But if I can’t have regular, I can settle for decaf and still not get caffeine headaches. That does not make sense, I know, but it’s true.
I only need about a ½ cup too. After over 30 years of drinking the stuff you’d think I’d need 3 or 4 to get my java buzz. But Nope! Just a little dab’ll do me. In fact more than two will make my heart all fluttery.
I started drinking coffee as a kid. I think I was 6 or 7. My grandmother would have a cup every morning. I had to do everything she did so I whined until she gave me some. Really what she gave me was coffee flavored milk with a butt load of sugar.
Actually it was Evaporated Milk, or canned milk as she called it. Which is already sweet to begin with. She’d pop two holes in the can with the pointed end of a bottle opener. One hole to pour and one hole to let air into so it wouldn't spurt all over. Sometimes if she was out of canned milk, she’d pop open a can of condensed milk and water it down. Condensed milk is even sweeter. She usually only used it for making homemade ice cream. For sugar she used “Sugar in the Raw” the chunkier unprocessed stuff. A friend of mine thought I was talking about a porno video when I told him I like my coffee with “Sugar In the Raw.”
I still like it that way. “You want some coffee with your cream and sugar?” Michael will say, watching me fix my morning cup. If we go to a restaurant for breakfast and they only give you that tiny pitcher of cream; I let him get his little splash first, then I pretty much empty the thing into my cup. Sometimes I make room by pouring a bit of the black stuff into my saucer first.
I like Mexican coffee. It has a lot of milk in it. My friend Carmen makes it like her dad did. He was Puerto Rican. He used instant coffee and hot milk. No water. It tastes so good. If you haven’t tried it, you should. I’m lactose intolerant but I do it anyway on occasion and suffer the consequences.
On most days I put a presweetened non-dairy creamer in my coffee. A lot of it actually. Michael will gag if he accidentally takes a drink from my cup. When I go to Starbucks I’ll get a latte or a White Chocolate Mocha like I did today. I had the girl put a ½ pump of Valencia syrup in it. Starbucks can go a little crazy with the syrup if you don’t watch them. They can actually make it too sweet for ME.
I stopped for coffee this morning because there was accident on the 5 freeway. I knew there was no getting around the traffic jam. If I was gonna sit in traffic I was gonna enjoy it. The accident was bad. A van rammed into the back of a stalled semi. 3 People died. It happened early about 5:00am I think they said. When I passed the wreck on the side of the road it was 9:40. Pulverized. Heart-wrenching.
I wonder what they are feeling right now; the families of the people who died. I wonder if they are remembering that last cup of coffee shared in the wee dark hours of the morning. That last coffee-flavored kiss goodbye. The empty cup that stands cold on the counter. I wonder if it will ever taste the same for them.
I only need about a ½ cup too. After over 30 years of drinking the stuff you’d think I’d need 3 or 4 to get my java buzz. But Nope! Just a little dab’ll do me. In fact more than two will make my heart all fluttery.
I started drinking coffee as a kid. I think I was 6 or 7. My grandmother would have a cup every morning. I had to do everything she did so I whined until she gave me some. Really what she gave me was coffee flavored milk with a butt load of sugar.
Actually it was Evaporated Milk, or canned milk as she called it. Which is already sweet to begin with. She’d pop two holes in the can with the pointed end of a bottle opener. One hole to pour and one hole to let air into so it wouldn't spurt all over. Sometimes if she was out of canned milk, she’d pop open a can of condensed milk and water it down. Condensed milk is even sweeter. She usually only used it for making homemade ice cream. For sugar she used “Sugar in the Raw” the chunkier unprocessed stuff. A friend of mine thought I was talking about a porno video when I told him I like my coffee with “Sugar In the Raw.”
I still like it that way. “You want some coffee with your cream and sugar?” Michael will say, watching me fix my morning cup. If we go to a restaurant for breakfast and they only give you that tiny pitcher of cream; I let him get his little splash first, then I pretty much empty the thing into my cup. Sometimes I make room by pouring a bit of the black stuff into my saucer first.
I like Mexican coffee. It has a lot of milk in it. My friend Carmen makes it like her dad did. He was Puerto Rican. He used instant coffee and hot milk. No water. It tastes so good. If you haven’t tried it, you should. I’m lactose intolerant but I do it anyway on occasion and suffer the consequences.
On most days I put a presweetened non-dairy creamer in my coffee. A lot of it actually. Michael will gag if he accidentally takes a drink from my cup. When I go to Starbucks I’ll get a latte or a White Chocolate Mocha like I did today. I had the girl put a ½ pump of Valencia syrup in it. Starbucks can go a little crazy with the syrup if you don’t watch them. They can actually make it too sweet for ME.
I stopped for coffee this morning because there was accident on the 5 freeway. I knew there was no getting around the traffic jam. If I was gonna sit in traffic I was gonna enjoy it. The accident was bad. A van rammed into the back of a stalled semi. 3 People died. It happened early about 5:00am I think they said. When I passed the wreck on the side of the road it was 9:40. Pulverized. Heart-wrenching.
I wonder what they are feeling right now; the families of the people who died. I wonder if they are remembering that last cup of coffee shared in the wee dark hours of the morning. That last coffee-flavored kiss goodbye. The empty cup that stands cold on the counter. I wonder if it will ever taste the same for them.
Friday, February 11, 2005
Girlfriends
I’m craving some serious bonding. I love my man but I miss my girlfriends. My best friends Anne & Carmen are so far away. Well Carmen is not too far but a two hour drive does not help with the hang out factor. Anne is all the way down in Florida. Maggie is back in the Midwest again. And I just heard from Francine. She’s in England studying at Oxford for her PhD; not surprising considering she’s a genius. Haven’t heard from Carolina in a while or my college pals Christina and Crystelle. I guess I need to catch up with folks. I talk to Susan every once in a while. And Melissa and I exchange emails every now and then.
People talk about male bonding but I don’t think ‘female bonding’ carries the same weight. It should though. I don’t know what I’d do without my friends. Actually of all my friends I think my mom is the one I count on most. My guy is wonderful but he pisses me off sometimes. Venting to my girlfriends about his work-aholic nature and occasional moodiness tends to elicit mirrored angst as they impart the antics of their own guys. But when I vent to my mom we end up laughing. Mainly cause she and my dad have usually been having the same issues after 26 years of marriage Somehow it’s easier to laugh about it and accept that it “ain’t gonna change” but you can still love each other anyway. With my gal pals it’s like “I can change him. I will change him. HE WILL BEND TO MY WILL ONE WAY OR THE OTHER!!!!” Yeah, right.
But I miss hanging out. Doing girly stuff. Having fun. Girls Night Out. Dancing. Chick flicks. Shopping. Enthusiastic bitch sessions sautéed in wine, cocktails and an endless supply of dessert. Trading our best stories on how we seduced our guys. And recounting the list of bastards we had to sift through to find the Lover Boy who now drives us crazy in good ways and bad. Yeah, I miss that stuff. A good girlfriend can save your life. And your sanity.
I work with a whole lot of really cool women. But I just don’t think any of us would really hang out together beyond an occasional Friday night happy hour. Plus, I’m lonelier than nun at a strip bar. Ever since I moved to San Diego, it’s just been me and Michael. And he’s more than content to abandon his friends and devote all his free time to me. Of course, when he works 7 days a week that doesn’t afford him much free time to lavish on me. So I need to find some girlfriends. Some local ones.
I don’t know why but I’m scared to. I found this group of women online who live locally. They get together and do stuff. One day I’m gonna join in on one of their ventures. I just don’t know when. Maybe I’m not lonely enough yet. It’s almost like online dating. Only it’s online friend-ing. Maybe I’ll try it.
People talk about male bonding but I don’t think ‘female bonding’ carries the same weight. It should though. I don’t know what I’d do without my friends. Actually of all my friends I think my mom is the one I count on most. My guy is wonderful but he pisses me off sometimes. Venting to my girlfriends about his work-aholic nature and occasional moodiness tends to elicit mirrored angst as they impart the antics of their own guys. But when I vent to my mom we end up laughing. Mainly cause she and my dad have usually been having the same issues after 26 years of marriage Somehow it’s easier to laugh about it and accept that it “ain’t gonna change” but you can still love each other anyway. With my gal pals it’s like “I can change him. I will change him. HE WILL BEND TO MY WILL ONE WAY OR THE OTHER!!!!” Yeah, right.
But I miss hanging out. Doing girly stuff. Having fun. Girls Night Out. Dancing. Chick flicks. Shopping. Enthusiastic bitch sessions sautéed in wine, cocktails and an endless supply of dessert. Trading our best stories on how we seduced our guys. And recounting the list of bastards we had to sift through to find the Lover Boy who now drives us crazy in good ways and bad. Yeah, I miss that stuff. A good girlfriend can save your life. And your sanity.
I work with a whole lot of really cool women. But I just don’t think any of us would really hang out together beyond an occasional Friday night happy hour. Plus, I’m lonelier than nun at a strip bar. Ever since I moved to San Diego, it’s just been me and Michael. And he’s more than content to abandon his friends and devote all his free time to me. Of course, when he works 7 days a week that doesn’t afford him much free time to lavish on me. So I need to find some girlfriends. Some local ones.
I don’t know why but I’m scared to. I found this group of women online who live locally. They get together and do stuff. One day I’m gonna join in on one of their ventures. I just don’t know when. Maybe I’m not lonely enough yet. It’s almost like online dating. Only it’s online friend-ing. Maybe I’ll try it.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Things That Make You Go, OY!
Logic. It’s Just Not Natural. How else can it be so passionately ignored?
Take for example the gay marriage issue. AGAIN. People who are against it say that they are not discriminating against gays. They say that they just want to preserve marriage between a man and a woman. But by excluding one group from a legal right you are treating them differently based on who they are. Uh… last time I checked, that’s discrimination!
See what I mean? No logic. And it’s a global epidemic.
Take the Sunnis in Iraq. Their religious leaders exhorted them not to vote in the elections. Now they are realizing that in the new government they don’t have any representation. They are saying it’s not fair because their people didn’t get a say. Well, DUH! When you tell your people not to vote, and they don’t vote, then they don’t get government representation. What did you think would happen? That the rest of the country would throw you a bone and just appoint one of your guys as a consolation prize?
And then there’s North Korea. “We have nukes! We will use them to defend ourselves from a U.S. attack! All 2 of ‘em!!!” Okay guys, you wouldn’t be on the radar if you hadn’t made such a big deal of the fact that you were developing nuclear weapons. And how smart is it to advertise? I mean we attacked a country because we SUSPECTED WMDs and you come out and brag about it? And then you swagger about having TWO. Do you know how many we have? Well, neither do I, but I’m pretty sure it’s more than two. And from what I know about you (and I don’t much other that you’re somewhere near South Korea) you don’t even have any significant oil wells that we could want to spare from being irradiated. So we can pretty much obliterate you. Wouldn’t it have been more logical to at least wait till Bush’s term was over? You know how trigger happy our D.C. cowboy is.
And then there’s me. I watch too much T.V. I stay up too late and then I’m sleepy in the morning. I run late and then drive like a bat out of hell to get to work 10 minutes late. I start the day frustrated and I putz around until I can finally focus. Then I cram to get everything done. I sit in traffic with the rest of the cattle and crawl home. I get home and I’m wiped. So what do I do? I tell myself I need to veg cause my day sucked. Then I sit down in front of the tube and eat dinner. I stay for a few extra hours until I realize it’s 11:30 and by the time I clean out the kitty litter box, load the dishwasher, wash my face and brush my teeth it’s 12:30. Logic dictates I stop watching tv. But I don’t do it.
Oy!
Take for example the gay marriage issue. AGAIN. People who are against it say that they are not discriminating against gays. They say that they just want to preserve marriage between a man and a woman. But by excluding one group from a legal right you are treating them differently based on who they are. Uh… last time I checked, that’s discrimination!
See what I mean? No logic. And it’s a global epidemic.
Take the Sunnis in Iraq. Their religious leaders exhorted them not to vote in the elections. Now they are realizing that in the new government they don’t have any representation. They are saying it’s not fair because their people didn’t get a say. Well, DUH! When you tell your people not to vote, and they don’t vote, then they don’t get government representation. What did you think would happen? That the rest of the country would throw you a bone and just appoint one of your guys as a consolation prize?
And then there’s North Korea. “We have nukes! We will use them to defend ourselves from a U.S. attack! All 2 of ‘em!!!” Okay guys, you wouldn’t be on the radar if you hadn’t made such a big deal of the fact that you were developing nuclear weapons. And how smart is it to advertise? I mean we attacked a country because we SUSPECTED WMDs and you come out and brag about it? And then you swagger about having TWO. Do you know how many we have? Well, neither do I, but I’m pretty sure it’s more than two. And from what I know about you (and I don’t much other that you’re somewhere near South Korea) you don’t even have any significant oil wells that we could want to spare from being irradiated. So we can pretty much obliterate you. Wouldn’t it have been more logical to at least wait till Bush’s term was over? You know how trigger happy our D.C. cowboy is.
And then there’s me. I watch too much T.V. I stay up too late and then I’m sleepy in the morning. I run late and then drive like a bat out of hell to get to work 10 minutes late. I start the day frustrated and I putz around until I can finally focus. Then I cram to get everything done. I sit in traffic with the rest of the cattle and crawl home. I get home and I’m wiped. So what do I do? I tell myself I need to veg cause my day sucked. Then I sit down in front of the tube and eat dinner. I stay for a few extra hours until I realize it’s 11:30 and by the time I clean out the kitty litter box, load the dishwasher, wash my face and brush my teeth it’s 12:30. Logic dictates I stop watching tv. But I don’t do it.
Oy!
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Happily Ever After
Okay, I may be excommunicated for this but I’m actually kind of hoping they pass the whole Gay Marriage thing in New York. Now I don’t particularly have a desire to go to a gay wedding. Unless I knew and was especially fond of the groom or… the groom; I would not really care one way or the other. Of course, in that case I would probably not be invited anyway, but more power to 'em.
I'll admit, seeing a guy making out with a guy or a gal making out with another gal is still a bit weird to me. Blame it on my upbringing. Blame it on my religion. Blame it on society. Blame it on whatever you want. It just doesn't make me sigh in an "oh isn't that romantic" kind of way. If I'm being honest, liberal as I am, I'd have to confess to wincing on occasion. (Come to think of it, I've winced at a few hetero kisses too, but probably not for same reason.)
But still I am rooting for legal gay marriage. I didn’t just jump on the band wagon. I wrestled with the Catholic thing. I wrestled with the tradition thing. I wrestled with the vision of wedding pictures that have no bride and receptions where two bouquets get tossed. I prayed a lot about it.
But it came down to law and religion. Church and State. There is simply no way you can read the Constitution of these United States and its treasured Amendments and conclude that banning gay marriage is anything but discrimination. You just can’t. We are all created equal. Our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is not predicated on race, gender or gender preference. Happily Ever After is for Prince Charming and his Mr. Right too, whether you like it or not. And if you don’t like it, well then that just sucks for you doesn’t it?
I don’t mean to be cruel to the fundamentalist Christians and Catholics whose sensitive stomachs are roiling at the thought. But that’s life guys. I know you’re thinking, “But this is a Christian nation founded by Christian men whose values and faith are the reason we have such a great nation. If we validate this abomination we will offend our Creator.”
Uh…no. Seriously, Don’t you think racism, poverty, greed and violence offend our Creator a heck of a lot more than two dudes declaring undying love? Let’s shift some priorities folks. And the whole “Christian Nation” thing necessitates a bit of clarification.
Yes, our founding fathers were largely, if not entirely, Christian. Yes, Christianity is very likely the largest single faith professed by our population. But that’s where the term “Christian Nation” ends its accuracy. It does not mean that the USA is a nation ONLY for Christians. It does not mean the laws are made only for us and to hell (literally and figuratively) with everyone else. We don’t get to make the rules and force them on everyone else. You can’t make it mean that no matter how many times you spam your buddies with adulterated copies of George Washington’s Prayer for our Nation. If that’s what Christian Nation meant there would be no identifiable difference between living here and living in say, Iran.
And it it’s dangerous to argue that because we are the majority that we have the right to exclude others from the same rights that we enjoy. Think about it people. You know there’s a lot of folks getting into the occult these days. What if one day THEY are the majority and decide to slam us? Precedent can be dangerous if it’s set on injustice. In fact that is exactly what our founding fathers were guarding against. Injustice, I mean, not Satanism.
These were men who still remembered the religious persecutions suffered by the Pilgrims who first ventured here. In fact, some of them lived through such things themselves. The guys who INVENTED this country were the same guys who INVENTED SEPARATION of CHURCH and STATE. They knew that religious totalitarianism is by far the worst kind.
So it begs the question: Why would they as Christians establish a government and endow it with the capability to refute and reject the very Author of their faith? For the same reasons God would create the human race and endow it with the capability to reject Him out of hand too. Because Faith and Freedom are inextricable. Only a people who are free to reject God can develop the faith to truly love God. Only those who are slaves to their own self-loathing will feel redeemed by ramming God down the throats of others. After all if nobody questions Him, then maybe the doubts in their own secretly tormented souls will subside. Our founding fathers established our laws to preserve our freedoms and keep the peace between us. But only a true Faith, freely practiced, can give us peace within ourselves.
Denying the Gay and Lesbian community the rights that they were born with as Americans (even if we haven’t acknowledged it yet) will give neither them nor the Hetero community any peace. Homosexuals will still be there. If you are homophobic you will still have to live in a reality where they exist. So you will still be frustrated. You will still refuse to Tivo "Will & Grace." I will still wince at girl-girl french kissing.
I'll admit, seeing a guy making out with a guy or a gal making out with another gal is still a bit weird to me. Blame it on my upbringing. Blame it on my religion. Blame it on society. Blame it on whatever you want. It just doesn't make me sigh in an "oh isn't that romantic" kind of way. If I'm being honest, liberal as I am, I'd have to confess to wincing on occasion. (Come to think of it, I've winced at a few hetero kisses too, but probably not for same reason.)
But still I am rooting for legal gay marriage. I didn’t just jump on the band wagon. I wrestled with the Catholic thing. I wrestled with the tradition thing. I wrestled with the vision of wedding pictures that have no bride and receptions where two bouquets get tossed. I prayed a lot about it.
But it came down to law and religion. Church and State. There is simply no way you can read the Constitution of these United States and its treasured Amendments and conclude that banning gay marriage is anything but discrimination. You just can’t. We are all created equal. Our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is not predicated on race, gender or gender preference. Happily Ever After is for Prince Charming and his Mr. Right too, whether you like it or not. And if you don’t like it, well then that just sucks for you doesn’t it?
I don’t mean to be cruel to the fundamentalist Christians and Catholics whose sensitive stomachs are roiling at the thought. But that’s life guys. I know you’re thinking, “But this is a Christian nation founded by Christian men whose values and faith are the reason we have such a great nation. If we validate this abomination we will offend our Creator.”
Uh…no. Seriously, Don’t you think racism, poverty, greed and violence offend our Creator a heck of a lot more than two dudes declaring undying love? Let’s shift some priorities folks. And the whole “Christian Nation” thing necessitates a bit of clarification.
Yes, our founding fathers were largely, if not entirely, Christian. Yes, Christianity is very likely the largest single faith professed by our population. But that’s where the term “Christian Nation” ends its accuracy. It does not mean that the USA is a nation ONLY for Christians. It does not mean the laws are made only for us and to hell (literally and figuratively) with everyone else. We don’t get to make the rules and force them on everyone else. You can’t make it mean that no matter how many times you spam your buddies with adulterated copies of George Washington’s Prayer for our Nation. If that’s what Christian Nation meant there would be no identifiable difference between living here and living in say, Iran.
And it it’s dangerous to argue that because we are the majority that we have the right to exclude others from the same rights that we enjoy. Think about it people. You know there’s a lot of folks getting into the occult these days. What if one day THEY are the majority and decide to slam us? Precedent can be dangerous if it’s set on injustice. In fact that is exactly what our founding fathers were guarding against. Injustice, I mean, not Satanism.
These were men who still remembered the religious persecutions suffered by the Pilgrims who first ventured here. In fact, some of them lived through such things themselves. The guys who INVENTED this country were the same guys who INVENTED SEPARATION of CHURCH and STATE. They knew that religious totalitarianism is by far the worst kind.
So it begs the question: Why would they as Christians establish a government and endow it with the capability to refute and reject the very Author of their faith? For the same reasons God would create the human race and endow it with the capability to reject Him out of hand too. Because Faith and Freedom are inextricable. Only a people who are free to reject God can develop the faith to truly love God. Only those who are slaves to their own self-loathing will feel redeemed by ramming God down the throats of others. After all if nobody questions Him, then maybe the doubts in their own secretly tormented souls will subside. Our founding fathers established our laws to preserve our freedoms and keep the peace between us. But only a true Faith, freely practiced, can give us peace within ourselves.
Denying the Gay and Lesbian community the rights that they were born with as Americans (even if we haven’t acknowledged it yet) will give neither them nor the Hetero community any peace. Homosexuals will still be there. If you are homophobic you will still have to live in a reality where they exist. So you will still be frustrated. You will still refuse to Tivo "Will & Grace." I will still wince at girl-girl french kissing.
The only way you will find peace is to trust God. Love gays and lesbians as they are and allow them the freedom to hear Him without your condemnation ringing in their ears. If He wants to change them He’ll do it. And if it turns out that He made them that way on purpose and didn’t bother to inform the rest of us, then you won’t be annoying the crap out Him anymore with your insistence that he HEAL them.
“But it’s IN THE BIBLE!” you say, “The Bible says it’s evil. We have to make it law.” You are SO barking up the wrong tree with that argument. The Bible has historically been used to justify all manner of atrocity and injustice. Here’s just a few… racism, spousal abuse, child abuse, vigilantism, genocide, animal cruelty and, oh yes, SLAVERY. Remember, BLACK WOMAN here! If we were still singing that song, I'd be pickin' cotton right now. You buy yourself no brownie points with the “It’s in the Bible” argument. And, by the way, every one of those “Bible sanctified” injustices is now ILLEGAL in this Christian Nation!
Now that does that mean I think that Christian Churches should start performing Gay ceremonies left and right. HECK NO! Are you kidding? We as Christians are not ready for that? We may never be. Because there is a biblical basis (notice I say a “basis” not a “justification”) for not accepting homosexuality. Until we hear otherwise from the Big Guy, it is necessary for the faith that such weddings be conducted outside the Church. Is that a cop out? Maybe, maybe not. I think it was Paul who advised the early church in its internal disputes between Christian Jews and Christian Gentiles over which dinner menus were divinely acceptable (food and sex are so closely intertwined in the human psyche that I think it applies here too) ...
I think for Christians who are convinced of the wrongness of homosexuality it would be damaging to their faith to see it condoned by the church. Maybe that makes us all weak. But rubbing a social victory in someone’s face spiritually is wrong regardless of whether it’s your civil right or not. It’s not good to ram spiritual reform down people’s throats in the church any more than it is to do it in government. So don’t look to me to write any protest letters to churches supporting gay marriage or gay clergy or anything like that.
You know, I sometimes wish there was nothing about homosexuality in the bible. But it’s there and I don’t pretend it isn’t. I just keep thinking with all I know of God; not just that harsh handful of verses, but EVERYTHING; does it jibe? Honestly I don’t think it does, unless I’m missing some key piece of the puzzle. I’m sure I am because God is complicated and we are complicated children. But who’s to say what piece is missing.
So much of the Bible was based on the cultures of the time. We could never live in those cultures today, should we really be living with their prejudices? You don’t give your 5-year-old to the same responsibilities as your 15-year-old. You wait for them to grow up some more. Maybe God wants us to be able to spiritually grow beyond our sexual hang-ups one day. But Heaven knows that day ain’t today. I’ll be happy if we can grow just a little beyond those hang-ups in our politics first.
In any case… Best Wishes to the Happy Couples!
“But it’s IN THE BIBLE!” you say, “The Bible says it’s evil. We have to make it law.” You are SO barking up the wrong tree with that argument. The Bible has historically been used to justify all manner of atrocity and injustice. Here’s just a few… racism, spousal abuse, child abuse, vigilantism, genocide, animal cruelty and, oh yes, SLAVERY. Remember, BLACK WOMAN here! If we were still singing that song, I'd be pickin' cotton right now. You buy yourself no brownie points with the “It’s in the Bible” argument. And, by the way, every one of those “Bible sanctified” injustices is now ILLEGAL in this Christian Nation!
Now that does that mean I think that Christian Churches should start performing Gay ceremonies left and right. HECK NO! Are you kidding? We as Christians are not ready for that? We may never be. Because there is a biblical basis (notice I say a “basis” not a “justification”) for not accepting homosexuality. Until we hear otherwise from the Big Guy, it is necessary for the faith that such weddings be conducted outside the Church. Is that a cop out? Maybe, maybe not. I think it was Paul who advised the early church in its internal disputes between Christian Jews and Christian Gentiles over which dinner menus were divinely acceptable (food and sex are so closely intertwined in the human psyche that I think it applies here too) ...
I know and am convinced in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself; still, it is unclean for someone who thinks it unclean. If your brother is being hurt by what you eat, your conduct is no longer in accord with love. Do not because of your food destroy him for whom Christ died. Romans 14; 14–15
I think for Christians who are convinced of the wrongness of homosexuality it would be damaging to their faith to see it condoned by the church. Maybe that makes us all weak. But rubbing a social victory in someone’s face spiritually is wrong regardless of whether it’s your civil right or not. It’s not good to ram spiritual reform down people’s throats in the church any more than it is to do it in government. So don’t look to me to write any protest letters to churches supporting gay marriage or gay clergy or anything like that.
You know, I sometimes wish there was nothing about homosexuality in the bible. But it’s there and I don’t pretend it isn’t. I just keep thinking with all I know of God; not just that harsh handful of verses, but EVERYTHING; does it jibe? Honestly I don’t think it does, unless I’m missing some key piece of the puzzle. I’m sure I am because God is complicated and we are complicated children. But who’s to say what piece is missing.
So much of the Bible was based on the cultures of the time. We could never live in those cultures today, should we really be living with their prejudices? You don’t give your 5-year-old to the same responsibilities as your 15-year-old. You wait for them to grow up some more. Maybe God wants us to be able to spiritually grow beyond our sexual hang-ups one day. But Heaven knows that day ain’t today. I’ll be happy if we can grow just a little beyond those hang-ups in our politics first.
In any case… Best Wishes to the Happy Couples!
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