Monday, April 04, 2005

I know you are, but what am I? -A (sort of) Sincere Identity Crisis

I was driving home and it hit me. Why, I wondered did it take me so long to find a man I can settle down with? I found him (contrary to what you may think after my first post of the day – which was made on behalf of my single gal friends). But why 35 freaking years to meet him? (Not that I was really looking for the first 25, but for the sake of hyperbole let’s pump up the numbers.)

In any case I know why. I was faking it. I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t with my dates; while my guy friends and girlfriends knew the truth. I wasn’t being me. I was the perfect girlfriend all along, and I was trying to be the perfect woman.

Screw being the perfect woman. I’m fantastic just being me. I don’t eat well. But that’s part of my charm. Here are just a few of the things that make Michael the luckiest guy on the planet…

1. I like action flicks. Special effects rock, who needs plot? When shit blows up or somebody makes wisecracks while they’re kicking the crap out of someone or they’re getting the crap kicked out of them – that’s entertainment!
2. Chick flicks. I like them too but leave the guys at home. I don’t want somebody squirming next to me for two hours unless it’s my cats.
3. Sports. I don’t do sports but I don’t care if the guy watches em. More free time for me to shop.
4. Beef. I like beef. Yummy!
5. I don’t do extreme weight loss. Cabbage soup diet? What the fuck is that about?
6. I like that my clothes make my ass look bigger.
7. Romantic night = smoking cigars in a Jacuzzi while doing shots of Tequila
8. Doing a striptease for your guy is fun.
9. Spiky heels suck unless they are part of your costume for number 8.
10. I’m not jealous. I don’t ask him to account for every freakin’ second of his day.
11. Dessert; see number 4.
12. I make fart jokes.
13. I fart and blame it on the cats.
14. I belch loudly and laugh about it.
15. I curse too much
16. I drive too fast
17. I think I own the road.
18. I prefer jeans to dresses.
19. I think I’m always right.
20. Blow jobs; see number 4. – nuff said.

So you see I’m really a lot like a guy. I mean I’m girly. I’m thin, feminine, soft-featured. I like a lot of girly stuff like shopping and shoes and shit like that. I get all mushy around babies. But in a lot of everyday ways I’m well… man-ish. I think that holding back on that “real me” kept me from attracting a guy that would love me for me. 3 years ago I got tired of putting on the show and almost instantly he walked into my life.

But see herein lies my identity crisis. What am I? A straight guy who has feminine qualities is now called a metrosexual in modern parlance. So what am I?

I’m straight so “dyke” is not applicable. “Butch” makes me feel like I should talk in a deep voice or something. And “tomboy” is misleading cause like I said, I don’t do sports. So what’s the catchy trendy name for gals like me? (and there are a lot of us.)

I am open for suggestions.
Anybody… anybody… Bueler?

3 comments:

Dex2177 said...

Guy compatible, lol.

Sara said...

"Macho-babe"- that's my mom's nick name. She's a construction worker but she cleans up nice. I think it applies here.

Girl With An Alibi said...

Ahhh... I like Macho-babe! I need a t-shirt with that on it.