Wow!... I say again.... WOW!

Even though I know that this is the epitome of evil technology, why is it that I still want to try it just once? I mean the sinister possibilities are virtually endless...

You could force a bodyguard to murder his charge, cause someone to kill themselves by walking off a cliff, criminals could get their victims to stop fighting back or running away, gangsters could veer police off course and just think of all the bad sci-fi tv plots that are going to come out of this.

It's the end of the world as we know it.

*sigh* Although it may be the only way to keep me from my shop-a-holic ways.

The Wedding Chronicles - Part 1 of 3

Part 1: The Countdown:
Yes friends I have returned from my honeymoon. And because I have not been blogging I feel compelled to subject you to several gruelingly long posts. Here is the first. A chronicling of the last four days leading up to the wedding.

Tuesday: 4 days to the Wedding…
- I get the disk from the church with the ceremony program on it. But it’s on a 3.5 floppy (who uses these anymore?) I don’t have Microsoft publisher so I go to Kinkos to open it and email files to myself. My dad has Publisher on his laptop which he is bringing with him (to do work) when he flies in on Wednesday.
- I start burning the music CD’s which we will give out as Reception Favors.
- Since there will be a lot of small children at the reception I have my mom pick up bubbles and sticker books to keep the little ones occupied when they get bored.
- I’ve been working on a video project for the wedding for over two months and still not done. It consists of photos set to 3 songs. (1st song has pics of Michael growing up, 2nd has pics of me growing up. 3rd has pics of the two of us) Plus there is a 4th song that has pics of Michael and his late father who passed away when Michael was 12. Michael knows about the first 3 parts but has no idea of the 4th. It’s my wedding present to him.
- Carmen IM’s me. I tell her that in some of Michael’s younger pics he looks like David Hasselhof. I practically fall off my chair laughing when she responds: “Wow. So is he big in Germany?”
- I get to bed a little before 2am

Wednesday: 3 days before Wedding…
- I finally finish the project early Wednesday morning in iMovie on my Mac. But I still have to convert it to a DVD in iDVD so it will play at the Reception. iDVD is a pain in the ass.
- My mother and I meet with the Reception coordinator to finalize plans and handover checks. She makes us a great deal on the video projection equipment.
- My dad arrives and I pretty much abscond with his laptop for the next 3 days. I decide I do not like the font the church used so I change it to match the fonts I used for the invitation and the Reception Program. I merge the ceremony program and the reception program. I try to start printing but it takes so long to install the printer driver on my dad’s computer that I don’t even start it. I could print it at kinkos but to print in color will cost a fortune and I insist on using the same high quality paper I used for the invites. (I am Bridezilla Full Force at this point)
- I am simultaneously working on 3 computers: 1) My Mac laptop – doing the video, 2) My dad’s laptop redoing the church program and 3) Michael’s PC as I finish burning the music cd’s that are going to be our wedding favors and printing the cd labels and case inserts I had previously designed right down to the friggin’ photography.
- Michael finally confirms with his second groomsman that he will be in the wedding party and sets out to find a jacket for him. I refuse to panic.
- I finally get to bed at 2:30am

Thursday: 2 days before Wedding…
- I’m hard at work printing the programs but my printer is unimaginably slow and has a bad habit of jamming and screwing things up. It’s made worse by the fact that it’s a double-sided print job in MS Publisher. It will end up taking over 12 hours to print and assemble 80 programs.
- During an email correspondence with the church I learn from the church administrator that the Priest “doesn’t want the church program changed in ANY way.” Too Late. It’s already changed and it’s too late to change it back. What’s he gonna do? Refuse to marry us because I changed the font and added 4 pages?
- My mom arrives to help me but there isn’t much she can do except staple the programs as they come out of the printer. Fortunately I printed the CD labels and inserts so she is able to put labels on the CDs as we finish burning them on Michael’s PC.
- She puts them in the cases for me. I notice that she is not putting them in so the label is right side up when you open the case. I stifle the urge to make her redo them. Later after she leaves and my Maid of Honor Carmen arrives I have Carmen open every case and straighten out the CDs (I just couldn’t help it.)
- I get a much needed break when Carmen engages in the arduous task of plucking my overgrown eyebrows. She does and excellent job and I begin to look Bride-Worthy.
- I finally finish burning the DVDs. Carmen keeps a lookout for Michael while I do a final quality check of the DVD. It’s perfect.
- We bag up the programs, music CD’s and DVDs along with other items that I will have to turn over to the Wedding planner on Friday.
- Michael still hasn’t found the jackets for his best man and groomsman. I refuse to panic.
- I get to sleep at 2:30am


Friday: 1 day before Wedding…
- I finally feel like I can breathe. Carmen has stayed over night and together we load up her car with the goods to take over to the hotel. My Bridal Shower which has been totally planned by my Mother, Carmen and my Matron of Honor, Anne (Yeah I have a Matron of Honor and Maid of Honor).
- Carmen has prepared the coolest (and quite elaborate) shower favors I’ve ever seen. Anne has come up with some cool fun games with awesome prizes and my Mom organized the location and totally yummy menu.
- I couldn’t have asked for more. I got the best gifts, sexy lingerie that I can actually wear plus other really cool stuff.
- The wedding planner is unable to make it over to pick-up the programs etc. But it’s no big deal since he will be there at 7am the next morning.
- I am carefree. I feel like a star.
- Carmen realizes she made her reservation at the wrong hotel. She has minor panic attack but it turns out another guest needed a hotel room and so takes over her room that the other hotel so she and her boyfriend can afford to get a room right next door to mine a the hotel.
- Carmen and I go back to my house to pack my stuff up for the wedding. I say good-bye to Michael who is on his way to pick up the jackets for the guys which are being hand delivered to the Men’s Warehouse near us from another store 50 miles away -hopefully before they close. I refuse to panic.
- Carmen and I stop at TGI Fridays on the way back to the hotel for food because it’s late and nothing else is open. It takes forever to get food and I get cranky. She buys me a shot of Tequila. I am now cranky and buzzed.
- Back at the hotel we chow on gross food, Malibu Rum and juice as she glues on my fake nails.
- I finally get to sleep at 2 am.

I'm Back!

I have returned from my honeymoon. Fabulously sexed up. Mildly tanned (we didn't get out much... hehehe... wink*wink*)

The wedding was fabulous! The Reception was stellar. The honeymoon was ... well fabulously sexed up.

I hardly know where to start. So I'm gonna think about it and then over next week or so I'll share a few stories. I'll hopefully have the pics back from the photographer next week so you'll get to see me in full Bridal regalia. Hope everyone is well.

Just call me... Mrs G.

Highlights and True Quotes From Our Engaged Encounter Weekend

Great Expectations
• “You know how I said ‘I’m sure they’re going to feed us the first night’? Well not only are they NOT feeding us but we are supposed to bring snacks to share.” These words were spoken by me a few hours before the retreat when I realized I was going to have to come up with dinner for us after all.
• “Don’t keep food in your rooms cause there’s a rat problem.” Spoken by, Paul, one of the facilitators the first evening. This caused Michael and I to look at each other in horror because we had left his dinner in his room.
• Upon realizing that he had grossly over packed for a weekend of non-stop discussions and meetings at a Catholic Mission, Michael laughed and said “I don’t know what I was expecting. I brought all these swimming trunks! Where’s the pool?”
  
  Father Jerry – The Priest
• “I’m your spiritual toilet.” Said by Father Jerry as he was trying to explain the role of a priest in confession.
• “When she’s a bitch you’ll have to love her anyway,” advice from Father Jerry to all the grooms.
  
  Learning New Skills
• At one point we had to look into our beloved’s eyes and apologize for a recent hurt and then ask for forgiveness. Since Michael and I haven’t really pissed each other off lately we both hesitated. Then he said softly, “I’m sorry about accidentally ripping your wedding dress.” As I choked for air he smiled and said, “kidding! kidding!” Miraculously, he still lives.
• During the weekend we were taught the 8 Rules of Arguing. They were pretty much standard things I’d heard before like “don’t go to bed angry,” and “don’t drag up past issues and arguments.” After we went through them Chris, one of the married facilitators, said, “Now there’s a Secret 9th Rule that is very effective. Write this down… Secret Rule #9 is Argue Naked!” I looked around and I’m quite certain every one us in the room had written THAT one down.
  
  Learning to Appreciate What You Have – The Other Couples
• “I’ve had enough of this shit.” This was said by a guy to his fiancée while we were standing in line for lunch on the last day. “See honey, at least I’m not him,” whispered Michael (who was also getting antsy at this point) to me after overhearing this.
• “You scared the crap out of me this morning,” Michael’s roommate to Michael as he recounted discovering that Michael wasn’t under the mound of blankets on the second morning. (Michael had snuck back home to sleep in our bed because the Mission beds were torturing his back and his roommate was snoring like a bear with a buzz saw.)
  
  Sharing Time – You Learn So Much, You Really Do
• One of the exercises involved responding yes or no to 16 statements. We each answered them without letting the other see our responses. Then they asked the questions again and if you said yes you were supposed to stand up. That way you could see where you and your sweetheart disagreed. Michael and I only disagreed on two. The first was “We will write the ‘Thank you’ notes together.” Since I know darn well I will be writing them I wrote: NO. Michael said, “what, I’m going to help!” “I know you’ll INTEND to help,” I said “but really you don’t like doing that sort of thing so I know I’ll be doing them.” “That’s true,” and then he smiled – so really we didn’t disagree on that one. The Second statement we had different answers on was: “I want to have a child of my own gender, even if it means having more children than we originally intended.” Again, I wrote: NO. Once again Michael was standing on his own. Of course pretty much every guy in the room was standing alone. All the women were looking at their men with “yeah, right buddy!” expressions on their faces. “Uh-huh that one usually ends up with all the men standing,” said Father Jerry. “Well, I have to continue my family name,” Michael said.
• During the weekend everyone was encouraged to put questions into a box. Later during the Question and Answer segment several anonymous questions were pulled from the box. One was: “What do you do if you know she’s going to be fertile on the honeymoon but you both aren’t ready to start a family yet?” Keeping in mind this a Catholic retreat and discussions of Natural Family Planning had been happening, this question was met with a few wimpy non-answers. Then Michael sang out… “TROJAN MAN!!” Everyone laughed. “That’s not Natural Family Planning, honey,” I whispered trying not to laugh. “Oh sorry you guys have so many rules.” Still more half-assed answers were offered. Finally I just spoke up, “C’mon people you have more than one body part to work with. You can achieve the same honeymoon goals with OTHER parts of the body, you know!” Everyone pretty much got the message. So clearly in fact, that Diane one of the elderly married facilitators said, “okay well I think we’re done with THAT question. Let’s move on to another.” Well jeez, sorry. But I tried to be tactful about it. I mean it’s not like I actually came right out and said, “blow job.”
  

I cannot tell a lie...

I was planning to. There's this thing I was going to lie about. I won't go into it. But it was stupid. I was supposed to do something by a certain date, which I did not do. I was going to lie and insist that I did it so I would not look like a dork.

But God does not want me to lie. So it is better that I be a dork than a liar. That's kind of what He wanted to talk to me about at lunch. Only it wasn't a talk so much as a feeling. I just found this overwhelming revulsion over the idea of picking up the phone to call in my lie. So I just said, "fuck it." And as soon as I let that go, I felt like God was happy about it. I'm not entirely happy about it but I'm pretty sure He is.

I thought about the mist yesterday. About what it meant. There I was driving through it but that takes faith because there could be a wreck in the road ahead that I couldn't see. I mean it may as well have been pitch black. That's what I need to be able to do spiritually. To just move forward even though I don't know what's in the road ahead. I have to trust God and stay on the path. That's soooo hard.

After the wedding we are pretty much going to start trying for a family right away. But the truth is I don't want to be a working mom. I can't possibly keep my job with its killer commute and be a good mom. I just can't imagine not taking care of my kid first. But I don't know if we can afford for me not to work. I'm afraid of Michael getting overstressed from the burden of supporting us alone. Plus I actually LIKE working. I like my job. So for me the best answer would be to work out of the home. But the last time I did freelance, I really struggled. So I have ideas of other stay at home work I can do.

But then the big question is ... CAN I do it ? Will people actually pay me to do the kind of work I want to do? Will my family suffer? I don't know the future but I haven't changed my mind. I want to be a mom. I just keep moving forward through the mist. I'm just trying to trust God. An honest dork bumbling through a fog on faith, that's me. It's nice and yet it sucks too. It's a rollarcoaster and I don't like rollarcoasters. But I refuse to get off.

Into the Mist

I have a lunch date tomorrow.

I was driving home today and there was an uncharacteristic fog covering a stretch of freeway. It was mystical and I started thinking that God was there in the mist. And in my imagination I heard a voice say, "you think I'm here because of the mist? I'm here all the time. What makes the mist so special?"

But I immediately thought that this imaginary voice was not God but was only the voice of my faith talking. And no sooner did this cross my mind than a large Lays potato chip truck crossed in front of me. And the tagline blared out in giant letters...

LET'S DO LUNCH!

So tomorrow I'm going to have lunch with God. I don't know if I'll go to church or just go somewhere quiet to pray. But I have a lot to think about. And a lot that I need to talk over with Him.

I'll let you know if He shows up. To be continued...

A True Story

A long time ago I worked for the phone company. I was one of those people who answered when you called up declaring your innocence to when you discovered a slew of calls to the Pyschic Hotline on your phone bill. Or more accurately I was the one you got transferred to when you were so pissed off that you started screaming at the first person you were talking to.

One day I got a call from a secretary who was livid on behalf of her very important boss. It seemed that the phone bill on the line at his summer home was doubling every month and he felt we were ripping him off because there was no one in the house to use the phone. If we didn't do something about it immediately he'd report us to the FCC and bring down the wrath of the government on us.

So I pulled up his account and sure enough the balance was doubling every month in the empty house. Another rep had already checked for crossed lines (which can cause you to be billed for other people's calls) so I knew that wasn't the problem. Then I looked closer at the balance.

Apparently this very important personage had overpaid his last bill of the previous summer and had a $5 credit balance. Which he subsequently paid. Giving him a $10 credit balance. When he again paid! This continued on until he got an $80 bill and finally got fed up. I explained this to her and pointed out the notation on the bill that said "credit balance. do not pay." Then I issued a refund check.

So who was this very important man?
The late Supreme Court Chief Justice William Renquist.
I swear it's true.
Brilliant man but couldn't pay a phone bill.
Those will be some tough shoes to fill.
(Looking back I suspect the secretary's FCC threat was her own idea. I've worked for Hollywood producers and I know that "you'll never work in this town again" type ploy is a favorite of over-stressed assistants who are trying to impress their bosses with results.)

By the way, I didn't tell this story to speak ill of the dead. Just to show that these people we deify are in fact very human. I always smiled and remembered this incident when his name was mentioned in the news.

Zombi-fied

That's how I feel this morning.

We did our Engaged Encounter this weekend. It was really good. But emotionally and physically draining. I hadn't quite recovered from it yesterday at work. Work was non-stop busy. Today will be as well.

Last night there was wicked thunder and lightening storm. It sounded and felt like explosions all night long right outside the house. I hardly slept at all.

This morning I was such a zombie I left the house without my purse and had to drive home and get it. I'd have said "screw it" but I know I need to get gas in order to get home tonight. I finally got into work at 9am.

I'm supposed to meet the wedding planner at the church tonight to go over flowers and some other details that are slipping my mind.

The office at home is a mess and I have to clean it.

I want sleep.

I'll have to cook dinner.

I took some chicken out to thaw last night and the ants got to it this morning. Ants suck.

There's some good news. Michael made me coffee this morning so I didn't kill myself driving in by falling asleep at the wheel. Also I found out my Aunt Rita changed her mind and she is coming to the wedding. That makes me happy. Aunts don't suck.

False Alarm!

No hernia. Just a pulled groin muscle. Whew!

And to spread a little joy meet my new friend...

Top 5 Stress Factors This Week

1. Michael still hasn't asked his friends to be best man and groomsman-- and wedding is 3 WEEKS away.
2. I have over 100 pictures to scan in to finish our reception video and the editing software is pissing me off.
3. Still not finished with the damn broom cause I keep changing my mind on how I want to do it.
4. Michael needs to have the suit I bought him altered and he seems to be in no big hurry.
5. He informed me last night that he thinks he has developed a hernia. I've been begging him to take things easy for weeks cause he's been working on the house day and night. The only other person I know who had a hernia had to have surgery and it took weeks to recover. (Well, he's gonna have to suffer until after the honeymoon, that's all I can say!!!!)

(Kidding about letting him suffer of course. I just finished leaving him another message to get to the doctor's TODAY!!)