Friday, September 23, 2005

I cannot tell a lie...

I was planning to. There's this thing I was going to lie about. I won't go into it. But it was stupid. I was supposed to do something by a certain date, which I did not do. I was going to lie and insist that I did it so I would not look like a dork.

But God does not want me to lie. So it is better that I be a dork than a liar. That's kind of what He wanted to talk to me about at lunch. Only it wasn't a talk so much as a feeling. I just found this overwhelming revulsion over the idea of picking up the phone to call in my lie. So I just said, "fuck it." And as soon as I let that go, I felt like God was happy about it. I'm not entirely happy about it but I'm pretty sure He is.

I thought about the mist yesterday. About what it meant. There I was driving through it but that takes faith because there could be a wreck in the road ahead that I couldn't see. I mean it may as well have been pitch black. That's what I need to be able to do spiritually. To just move forward even though I don't know what's in the road ahead. I have to trust God and stay on the path. That's soooo hard.

After the wedding we are pretty much going to start trying for a family right away. But the truth is I don't want to be a working mom. I can't possibly keep my job with its killer commute and be a good mom. I just can't imagine not taking care of my kid first. But I don't know if we can afford for me not to work. I'm afraid of Michael getting overstressed from the burden of supporting us alone. Plus I actually LIKE working. I like my job. So for me the best answer would be to work out of the home. But the last time I did freelance, I really struggled. So I have ideas of other stay at home work I can do.

But then the big question is ... CAN I do it ? Will people actually pay me to do the kind of work I want to do? Will my family suffer? I don't know the future but I haven't changed my mind. I want to be a mom. I just keep moving forward through the mist. I'm just trying to trust God. An honest dork bumbling through a fog on faith, that's me. It's nice and yet it sucks too. It's a rollarcoaster and I don't like rollarcoasters. But I refuse to get off.

9 comments:

gone said...

Good for you, Alibi. I'm impressed that you are so courageous in the face of the unknown. Inspiring.

Girl With An Alibi said...

Thanks Jacob. I don't feel courageous. But I guess if I did then I wouldn't actually be courageous. :)

Dex2177 said...

I'll tell you something from personal experience. My father worked as a free lance newspaper writer taking care of my brother and I at home while my mother worked her full time(better paying... most things are better paying than newspaper reporting, lol... but anyway...) and I don't know that we particularly benefited from the otherwise employed homecare. Nothing against my father but when you're a little kid and you have your caretaking adult grumping around the house and telling you they need to work it's not a whole lotta fun. That having been said it's better than the alternative. We had some CREEPY "babysitters", let me tell ya. I'll tell you first hand: screen your fricken babysitters and be choosey. Don't let them have friends over, and don't pick them if they're between 18 and 24 because if they are THERE'S A REASON THEY COULDN'T GET A REAL JOB. My parents were scraping by and took what they could get when they both had to work. Some were alright, some should be in jail. And brief your children on reporting weird experiences with weird adults. Ok, I'll stop now... ;-) just remember my advice.

John said...

My wife and I had the same concern, but now with our daughter here and my wife actually working from home in her line of profession (something unheard of even 1 year ago) it all worked

aughra said...

You'd be suprised by how things can fall into place a fter a baby is born. REally.

Brookelina said...

You are so cool. And this is going to sound trite, but tough. Things have a way of working themselves out. Relax and enjoy the wonderful future you two have planned.

The Notorious S.O.B. said...

Its great to know there are still people in the world like you who have their head on straight and their feet planted firmly.

I could spend hours reading from your site, and one day I just might. I havent been on much lately - hell, I havent posted in nearly a month. Gotta do sumpin' 'bout dat...

gone said...

You got a lot on your plate right now, girl. I don't envy you but I also think your couragous for being willing to open yourself up to the "unknown". Your a wise woman and I'm confidant that you'll make the right decision together.
God always has an interesting way of directing our path, doesn't he?
You can feel a turn up ahead but you never know when it will be...
Keep your ears open and your eyes wide.

Princess Steph said...

im sure you guys will figure out the right thing to do.... you are so strong I am constantly impressed with your honesty and candid nature.

your child(ren) will be blessed.