Lately my eyeballs have been eating a lot... and it's getting on my nerves.
Does this ever happen to you? You get some kind of little fuzzy or a piece of dust in your eye and it floats across your pupil like a drive-by cataracts blurring your vision. By the time you get to a mirror and give yourself the evil gypsy eye by pulling your lower lid down the little floater has mysteriously disappeared.
This happened to me this morning. I got out of the shower and dried my face only to discover that something that felt like a spool of loose thread was trapped under my eyelid teasing my pupils every time I blinked. But before I could clear the condensation off the mirror my eyeball had swallowed the whole damn thing.
My eyeballs are ravenous. They eat everything that touches them. What concerns me is that I’m fairly certain that they don’t have a separate digestive tract that I know of. So where is it all going? I have this vision of the back of my eyes looking somewhat like the underside of a bachelor’s sofa cushions with crumbs, lint, buttons, condom wrappers, spare change and pizza crusts stuffed into the crevices. Thank god I can't roll my eyes that far back, cause I really don't think I want to know.
Occasionally a well placed application of eyedrops or a dousing of Collyrium in an eyecup can have an ipecac-like cleansing effect. But lately there’s been no guarantee that the offending particles will be regurgitated. My baby browns have gorged themselves on all manner of lint, thread, eye shadow particles and flakes of dried mascara.
And they are clearly not vegan either. Cat hair, my own eyelashes, even tiny gnats flying recklessly; all have met their demise behind my ocular orbs. I pity the person who gets into a street fight with me and tries to poke me in my Venus Fly Trap Peepers. That fool’s gonna loose an arm!