Friday, September 02, 2005

Peeve of the day: Hungry Eyes

Lately my eyeballs have been eating a lot... and it's getting on my nerves.

Does this ever happen to you? You get some kind of little fuzzy or a piece of dust in your eye and it floats across your pupil like a drive-by cataracts blurring your vision. By the time you get to a mirror and give yourself the evil gypsy eye by pulling your lower lid down the little floater has mysteriously disappeared.

This happened to me this morning. I got out of the shower and dried my face only to discover that something that felt like a spool of loose thread was trapped under my eyelid teasing my pupils every time I blinked. But before I could clear the condensation off the mirror my eyeball had swallowed the whole damn thing.

My eyeballs are ravenous. They eat everything that touches them. What concerns me is that I’m fairly certain that they don’t have a separate digestive tract that I know of. So where is it all going? I have this vision of the back of my eyes looking somewhat like the underside of a bachelor’s sofa cushions with crumbs, lint, buttons, condom wrappers, spare change and pizza crusts stuffed into the crevices. Thank god I can't roll my eyes that far back, cause I really don't think I want to know.

Occasionally a well placed application of eyedrops or a dousing of Collyrium in an eyecup can have an ipecac-like cleansing effect. But lately there’s been no guarantee that the offending particles will be regurgitated. My baby browns have gorged themselves on all manner of lint, thread, eye shadow particles and flakes of dried mascara.

And they are clearly not vegan either. Cat hair, my own eyelashes, even tiny gnats flying recklessly; all have met their demise behind my ocular orbs. I pity the person who gets into a street fight with me and tries to poke me in my Venus Fly Trap Peepers. That fool’s gonna loose an arm!
All gone!!


Brookelina said...

Classic! At least you don't wear contact lenses. You haven't known pain until something gets lodged under a lens.

Brookelina said...

We just posted on each other's blogs at the same time.

Rik said...

A: That is hilarious! Where does all that eye goo go?? Do you ever look to one side and then dart your gaze over to the other side really quick to watch the "lint" follow??
2: One doesn't find pizza crust in the couch cushions, food that big never makes it down that far.
D: You name your spiders too???

Melliferous Pants said...

Sometimes my eyes are down right ravenous. Once my eye gobbled an eight-inch+ stray hair. The look on my mom's face as she pulled it out, or rather unraveled it, was straight out of a horror movie.

Girl With An Alibi said...

Brooke- Jinx!! (that what we say at home when two people do or say the same thing at the same time)

Rik- I dunno, some of the guys I used to date... there was all kinds of food in their couches.

Gives a whole new meaning to "my eye were bigger than my stomach" doesn't it?

Dex2177 said...

So, what your telling me is that you're the go-to eyeballs girl if I'm looking for old m&m's and pennies, nickels and dimes, huh?... lol.

I don't think my eyeballs eat things... closest I can come is back when I was 17 and I was on a glider pilot scholarship and the airstrip where we spent most of our days was surrounded by dusty cornfields in 90 degree heat and let me tell ya, getting back at the end of the day and showering out your eyeballs was so nice! lol. I can still imagine the streams of silty water coming out of my eyes, lol.

gone said...

That was great! Very very clever and well written! My eyes have protective gear blockading any intruders. But every once in happens to me too.

Norman said...

Oh God..

I was furiously rubbing my eyes while trying to read your post!! Now they're still itching!

That was kinda like one of those yawning things. You can't see a person yawn without having to yawn yourself, and for that matter - it's difficult to read about yawns without yawning!! (are you yawning yet?)


Amberjane said...

Ahahahaha, I was just sitting here, completely annoyed with my right eye, because something "invisible" is tickling the hell out of it, making my vision blurry & me completely nuts.... and then I read your post. You're psychic, and funny as all hell.

H said...

they have these new eye drios for irritation, they're scented. you're eyes might like to add some flavor to their daily noshes

aughra said...

Oh, god, I love the idea of this crazy dust pile of crumbs behind your eyes. Icky.

Abigail S. said...

Mascara is the worst for me... Each night I try my best to get all the mascara off my lashes- but it never fails that each morning I wake up with dozens of mascara specks all over my eyeballs. GROSS!

And fuzzies! I hate when you can feel a fuzz, but you can't see it to pull it out! Sad, but true.

BossMack said...

Deep flow, very different.