Friday, April 22, 2005

A Little Self Reflection

I’ve been mad at myself lately. I haven’t been writing the stories and poetry that I used to write. It was my way of defining myself and my direction in life. But I don’t do it any more. Not much anyway.

I watch too much t.v. that’s my problem. I like t.v. I really do, it's like storytime. I always liked it when I was a kid and I and my aunts Jean & Rita (who were only a few years older than me) would lay awake at my grandmother’s house and tell stories. I would go first because I was the low rung on the bunk bed (actually I was in the roll-away trundle bed.) Then Rita in the middle bunk. And then, if she wasn’t faking sleep, Jean would go. I loved that.

Then I discovered a station that would rebroadcast radio programs from like the 40s late at night and I would listen to that. That’s why I like stories so much. And it’s why I have closure issues. I always need to see how it ends. I’ll keep watching the most awful dreck just because I need know the ending. But the problem is it sucks up my time and I don’t do what I really want.

All those novels that have been written and re-written in my mind are still sitting there. I’m not writing and it bugs me. And then it occurs to me that I’ve been writing a lot on this here blog. I mean A LOT. Maybe God has found a way to trick me into writing again. I was so bitter with myself for not writing. Kind of spiritually embarrassed so to speak. You know, like when you should have called your grandma for her birthday but forgot and then you feel stupid so you don’t call her after. And then 3 months later you’re just mortified that you’ve gone so long without calling her so just put it off some more. It’s like that.

So maybe I need to just relax a little. I do find myself jarringly relaxed when I post this stuff… hmmm, jarringly relaxed? Oxymoron? But that’s how it feels. I like that there are so many passionate people who blog. I don’t always agree with people but it’s nice to get a look into living minds and into souls that are so wonderfully vibrant in the midst of a sometimes cloudy world. It really does make me feel blessed. Maybe it’s the connections I sense but I think it’s something more too. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one that doesn’t have all the answers. It’s nice to be a little cocky, knock yourself down a bit and then pick yourself up and rebuild. It gives me a sense of order but a more natural one than the rigid success-at-all-costs-never-admit-to-failure one that I impose on myself.

Sometimes life just seems so random. I meet people in person and there is automatically this wall of protection we all put up. But here I deliberately take that down (for the most part) and I create a (pretty much) safe place to discover myself. Anybody that wants stop by is welcome. But mainly I just want to figure out the next step. Because the world is chaotic right now – war, disease, poverty, injustice – and I want to know what I should be doing to make it better or at the very least not to make it worse. Of course, I admit, I like to have a place to act out and be stupid while I’m contributing to society, but I think it’s pretty clear (mostly clear?) when I’m doing that.

Oh my gosh! I just realized something. This is exactly how I feel when I’m praying. I mean really praying as opposed the static Our-Father-Now-I-Lay-Me-Down-To-Sleep-God-Is-Good-Bless-Mommy-and-Daddy prayers.

(Okay, Lord, there you go. You’ve definitely tricked me into writing again and found a sneaky way to get me to pray more. Nice move, I’m impressed.)

Yup blogging is definitely Divine. I just can’t wait to see how this story ends.

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