Friday, April 22, 2005

Venting is From God...

God is Holy and the Creator of Virtues. Blogging is Venting. Bitching about life on your blog is, therefore a virtue.

I know venting is from God because I read the whole book of Job. It is a blog. In fact it is probably the original blog. It should be called JOBLOG. People always think of Job as being patient… it was his oft quoted “the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord.” “Oh how patient he was,” say our Sunday school teachers. But they didn’t read the whole thing. They just skip to the end where this imaginary patience is rewarded with a restoration of all that he was screwed out of.

But I personally think he was being sarcastic. Because if you read the rest of it he proceeds to bitch about his life chapter after chapter. Complaining about the raw deal he’s getting. And he doesn’t sound all that patient either. For the life of me I don’t know how his computer didn’t get struck by lightening because his rant was borderline heresy.

His buddies post comments on JOBLOG trying to cheer him up by telling him that he’s an evil sinner and that he has to be humble and repent of whatever the heck he did wrong and everything will be alright. But he just rages on in post after post because he knows damn well he didn’t do anything. He may not have been in on the whole God-Satan wager, but he has a pretty good idea that he’s the kinda guy God should be bragging about to his friends and enemies not devasting with boils, poverty and the loss of all his progeny. He sees everybody else, including his self-righteous friends being bastards but they aren’t getting screwed like he has. "WTF!", Joblogs.

He continues raging on about the unfairness of it all until finally God posts his own thundering comment on JOBLOG. Under the ubiquitous pseudonym IAM the big guy basically tells Job’s buddies to STFU! And he Blogs-off on Job too, effectively putting him in his place. And do you know what? Job does not apologize. Hell no, it’s JOBLOG, after all, God’s just posting a comment. Sure he’s humbled but he doesn’t repent one single word of his bloggy bitch session. And you know something else? God REWARDS him for it. God makes him richer and more successful than ever, makes him healthy as a horse and apparently horny too because he proceeds to reproduce the dozen or so kids that were cruelly taken from him at the start of his ordeal (or maybe the litter of kids was partly meant to punish Job's Harpy of a wife for basically kicking him when he was down). And to this day we hold Job up as a paragon of human virtue.

So you see fellow bloggers we are not alone! And we are not vain fools tossing our arrogance out into the void. We are, rather, Saints! Virtuous orators of the information age… raging against injustice… raging against our occasionally shitty (but mostly tolerable and sometimes kinda nice) lots in life… raging even against God himself on occasion. And we will be rewarded– perhaps after a little divine bitch-slapping but rewarded none-the less!

I don’t know about the rest of you but I feel truly BLES-SED and dare I say…Holier Than Thou. I am going to go light a candle to myself now and pray that lightening does not strike my computer as soon as I hit the “Publish Post” button.


'Thought & Humor' said...

You have a riveting web log and undoubtedly
must have atypical & quiescent potential for
your intended readership. May I suggest that
you do everything in your power to honor
your Designer/Architect as well as your audience.
Please remember to never restrict anyone's
opportunities for ascertaining uninterrupted
existence for their quintessence.

Best wishes for continued ascendancy,

'Thought & Humor'
Cyber-Humor & Cyber-Thought
Harvard Humor Club

Sara said...

LMAO, that is the best thing I have read all day. I think we all feel like Job at one point or another.
In the immortal words of Bruce Almighty- "Okay, if that's the way you want it. The gloves are off, pal! Let me see a little wrath! Smite me oh mighty smiter! What, no pestilence, no boils? Come on, you got me on the ropes, don't you want to finish me off?! You're the one who should be fired! The only one around here not doing his job is YOU! What are we, you're little pet project? A hobby you tinker with now and again? Answer me. ANSWER ME!!!"

Girl With An Alibi said...

Howdy HOWDY! And thank you for your kind words.

Sara- I love that movie! Michael is always re-enacting the monkey out the ass scene. It just slays me! LOL :D